I fucking hate it. And yes, using the f-word was absolutely necessary.
This week has been an anxiety-fest constantly pounding in my head. Actually, there’s an anxiety fest pounding in my head always, every second of every day, but lately that fest has gotten quite….feisty. As a result, I have a nervous tick in my left bottom eyelid now. Great.
Like I’ve said before, dealing with everything that has to do with the relationshiT has exacerbated my anxiety. It has resulted in my lately having some very strong negative feelings attached to men of a certain age and up. I’ve unfortunately generalized the whole experience with The Ex to every man out there. But I’ve got enough insight to know that this is something I’ve got to address and work on. Add to that the realization that I have to study, and have a bunch of things to do relating to the pediatrics rotation and, well….I feel shitty, basically.
What I feel is so much anger, because anxiety means the most mundane day-to-day things are ridiculously difficult for me. And when I say mundane, I mean as mundane as sitting in my room writing this post. I get tired of the irrational thoughts swirling constantly in my head: Are the neighbors looking at me? I feel someone is looking at me. Someone must be looking at me. Looking at me and laughing at me, thinking how ugly I am. They’re all laughing at me right now. Or they’re all snooping on me, looking through the inch-wide space between the curtains and windows.
Ugh! I want those thoughts to stop! I can’t take it anymore! It’s all interfering with my life, interfering with my general functioning, with everything.
To give you a general idea, here’s a list of things that provoke serious anxiety in me:
- Walking around my neighborhood, especially by day (that’s why I simply cannot walk the dogs)
- Going shopping
- Walking into a room filled with seated people, like a restaurant, or a classroom
- Walking in any and every public place. This translates to: anxiety when I’m walking around the hospital, anxiety when I’m walking across a street, anxiety when I go to an art show, anxiety when I’m taking public transportation. Anywhere and everywhere public, and the more people the worse the anxiety.
- DRIVING. Wow, this one is seriously getting to me lately, especially driving without sunglasses on. I literally cannot drive without feeling constantly on edge because I feel the whole world is looking at me, pointing and laughing.
- Waiting for my dance class to start.
- Whenever I’m at home and there’s an open window or curtains, especially if it’s dark outside. That’s why lately I’ve been keeping the windows and curtains in my room completely shut, which is frustrating because sunlight makes me feel better sometimes.
- Any situation that involves wearing a swimsuit.
- Eating alone in a public place, or also when I’m not alone but less so.
- Talking on the phone while other people are listening. I usually make calls hidden inside my bedroom, that is….if I even get to make the calls, which brings me to-
- Making calls. Yes, any and every call that doesn’t involve extremely close family or friend makes me anxious. I avoid it at all costs. An example: it took me a month to finally force myself to simply call a patient I had to interview for a case presentation. Granted, if the deadline had been earlier I would have forced myself to do it earlier, but that’s the whole point: If there’s nothing forcing me to do these things I end up procrastinating because they make my mind and body go haywire.
- Sitting in the middle of a room, classroom, restaurant, etc. I always choose to be close to walls or corners.
- Talking to a boss, attending, resident (although less with residents), etc.
- Having to interact with someone from my past, people who went to school with me, teachers….
- And many more…..
At the end of the day, I end up forcing myself to do a lot of these things. But that’s the problem; why the hell should I have to force myself to do something as simple as walking the dogs? Why the hell should I have to work myself up to do something as stupid as making a phone call? Why the fuck should I have to feel this horrible dread within me, tension building up in all my muscles, anger boiling because I have to put up with this shit, and thoughts running incessantly through my head when I’m driving? Why??? Just, WHY???
I would give everything to walk down a street at broad daylight without a care in the world. I want to do it. It almost makes me cry.
The other day the anxiety was so much I woke up in the middle of the night and in my groggy/half-asleep state I started reviewing random medical facts in my head. That hadn’t happened in quite a while. It’s happened to me before, since high school, and it always happens when I’m having trouble anxiety-wise in my life. It always means I’ve reached the anxiety threshold. And I hate it because in my incoherent state I don’t have enough insight to say to myself Ok, this isn’t important now. I’m in pediatrics right now. Usually, it takes at least an hour for me to wake up enough to realize what I’m doing and go back to sleep.
And last night I had a terrible nightmare, family and blood involved. It was bad, and that’s really rare for me. Again, provoked by anxiety.
These are the times when I just want to throw a few benzos in my mouth and be done with it. Xanax, Ativan, Valium…hell, I’ve even thought about alcohol to lose a few inhibitions, and I barely ever drink! Anything to get rid of the anxiety, for chrissakes, I’ll do anything.
And I haven’t mentioned this but….anxiety makes depression worse, and depression makes anxiety worse. Yay for me.
I’m sorry, I just feel like crying (but of course, no tears because: hello depression!). Those of you who don’t have anxiety problems, just be thankful, and please don’t make fun of those of us who do.