Welcome to my new Internet home. I decided to change from Blogspot to WordPress on a whim, basically. I’d always been curious about WordPress, so there’s that. I exported the old posts over to this blog, but I’ll be keeping the old one for now, just in case (borderlinemed.blogspot.com, if you’re new and curious).
Now, back to business…
I saw R today. We talked about a lot of things, but mainly about men (gee, I wonder why? Maybe this. Or this. No, this. Or maybe The Ex? Yeah, there’s not enough reasons). At first it was a bit difficult to talk to her because it had been 4 weeks since I last saw her, but I tried to relax as much as I could (aka: I was still ridiculously tense and fidgeting in my seat, but at least I was breathing).
There was a lot of random small-talk involved, needless to say. We even talked about swear words from her country (she’s not from the US, a fact she reluctantly admitted to me on one of our first sessions when I pointed out her barely-there accent).
At some point I began talking about that childhood friend I’ve been posting about. He’s gone now, and before he left I asked him if he wanted to go out (that was his last chance, I couldn’t have been more obvious in my interest). But he said he was still feeling sick because of the supposed food poisoning. So, that’s goodbye for him. Not gonna waste my time on that.
I told R how everything pertaining to men is just so complicated since The Ex, especially since this year and now recently that I’ve come to accept that it was a form of abuse. But at one point she said something that really hit me, and it was: “Have you noticed in all of this that you’ve been avoiding the childhood friend and the whole situation?”
And, unfortunately, she is right and I had to acknowledge it. I’m so afraid of men that I’ve started to avoid them and anything that pertains to my (non-existent) love and sex life. Bummer, that’s not going to help me land a decent guy.
Anyway, we also talked about my body. Another bummer. She mentioned how I always talk of myself using strong words like disgusting, filthy, dirty, used, trash, etc, and how I do it addressing both my personality and my physique. For some reason I hadn’t realized that until she mentioned it. The words sounded stronger coming out of her mouth than mine. Maybe I’ve been desensitized after so many years?
And finally we talked about the dreaded subject…sex. Ugh. I don’t even want to go there, not right now.
There was a lot of strong subject matter being discussed today with her, as usual. I don’t know how I’ll even begin to heal when it comes to the Men-Files.
Patience. Lots of patience.