Today, on the fourth day of 2015, I’ve had suicide in my head non-stop. I don’t know how I live like this. It’s a constant on-and-off situation. Sometimes I know depression’s going to kick me, other times it just catches me by surprise. Today was an example of the latter. And I spent the day isolating, which obviously only made matters worse.
Remember that childhood friend I posted about? I was supposed to see him today. I thought it would just be me, him, and maybe 2 other guy friends. But no, he invited other people who are in the city for the holidays…people from my past, who I have no interest in seeing or talking to. Once I learned of this detail, it became a bit complicated and I was doubting whether to see him today.
But the thing is, I went to sleep at 4am last night, because my sister and I had a small get together at home. I was supposed to meet the guy friend at 10:30am. I didn’t wake up. I apologized to him.
Then, later in the day, I suggested I make it up to him and we meet up later today or tomorrow. Just him and I. I’d never done that before.
But he said no. He had food poisoning and was lying in bed the whole day. I don’t know whether to believe him or not.
Anyway, this didn’t help my mood. This guy is just, turning my world upside-down these last few days and I honestly don’t like it. Like I said before, I like him, and I’m pretty sure he has feelings for me, and he’s a good catch, but I’m not.
Why does all this have to be so complicated for me?
Why is everything pertaining to men so complicated with me?
Relationships scare me. Sex scares me. I’m afraid of men….is it all just because of the Ex? I don’t know.
Meanwhile, my facebook newsfeed isn’t helping matters. 99% of the posts are of couples, friends with a significant other, children, marriage, so on and so forth.
It all looks so easy for them. Yet here I am, afraid of being so much as poked in my arm by a man.
And the flasbacks….oh, the flashbacks…