Down down down

My existence is laughable.

I’m tired of everything. My bones are tired. I’m tired of the constant headaches. I’m tired of spending my days trying to get some shut-eye and terribly failing at it. It makes me think constantly about wanting to die. I feel like a zombie. I usually wake up around 7 or 8am for no real reason. Maybe it’s the dreaded depression-related early-morning awakening? I’ve never had to deal with that before, so I wouldn’t know.

I know I’ve had dreams having to do with the Ex. I know he’s in there. But I don’t remember the dreams. It’s like he’s laughing at me, haunting me, keeps chasing me. I can’t run away from him, damn it.

I honestly don’t know how I’ve been making it these days. Inside, I’m a mess. Mentally, physically, emotionally…a mess. Outside, I’m putting on a mask of “nothing’s wrong”. I think the only reason I’ve been able to make it this far is solely because of MM. She provides distraction for me, positive energy, optimism, fun times….but I can’t do any of this all by myself, not right now, and I don’t quite understand why. It scares me, because I can’t depend on other people to keep me sound and alive.

Among the mess of thoughts in my head are doubts about my career. It’s like I told one of my friends yesterday: I know what I want to do in the future, I just don’t know how to do it with the tools I’m being provided. I also don’t know how to put on a brave face and just do things my way. MM told me today that I sound more convincing nowadays about wanting to be a psychiatrist. But I can’t lie to myself, I know my fears and insecurities (more on this later).

Another little thing bothering me lately is my lack of action in the relationships department. I must admit, I feel so alone whenever I see another couple getting married on Facebook (fucking Facebook). I’m not saying I need to be with someone, I’m just saying I would like to know what it feels like to be in a non-abusive relationship sometime in my life.

But I must admit, I’m all sorts of screwed up when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. There’s this childhood friend who came to town to visit his family recently. I went out with him and two other childhood friends who are in town for the holidays. He used to have a crush on me back in the day, and I was too clueless to respond to his affections. The problem is, I got a feeling the other day that after so many years he still has feelings for me. And I’ve always had a small crush on him, I must admit.

However, I feel he’s too good for me. I’ve always hated these superhero movies where the guy is all like “Oh, you shouldn’t be with me, you should find someone who can really make you happy.” But I didn’t understand that until now. Seriously, I don’t want to cause this guy friend any pain. He’s a good catch….but I’m not.

I mean, seriously, who’s going to put up with all my issues? As I write this I’m actively skipping dinner because I think I’m too fat, I don’t want to grow up, and I don’t want to be sexually desirable. I’m terrified of sex, it makes me think of the Ex and I immediately shut down. The other day I made myself vomit for the first time ever when thinking about this guy friend. I felt too overwhelmed. And I spend my days trying to sleep, an irritable mess, and thinking about cutting, drowning in pills, sleeping forever, NOT eating, destroying myself by any means possible.

Who’s going to put up with that?

Certainly, G and R put up with that. Then again, they’re just my psychologist and my psychiatrist. It’s their job. But who is going to willingly put up with that?

I want to help other people. I’m good at that. But I suck at helping myself. Ups and downs. It’s all ups and downs. I have my good days and bad days.

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