I’m tired

I’m letting all my posts pile up. There’s a lot going on in my head after these past two weeks.

So, first, I’ll begin with dad’s surgery. He was already out of hospital by Thursday and he’s making a swift recovery so far. Things went perfectly fine. I was worried the first two days because he seemed very out of it, but he’s been doing great since then. I’m actually surprised at how well he’s been doing (which is incredibly great, obviously).

But last week was such a mess for me, what with dad’s surgery and beginning the pediatrics rotation. I spent the week going from hospital to hospital, arriving home late, barely sleeping. And the funny part is, I haven’t even begun studying. I was doing relatively well, until Friday rolled around.

I woke up on Friday morning with this incredible dread in me and wishing I would die. I wanted to cry as soon as I arrived at the hospital. It was just like old times. Depression just decided to knock me off on Friday. It was pretty bad. I canceled outings with my sister and friends because of how I felt on Friday, and I didn’t interview a patient I was supposed to interview for a case presentation because I felt so horrible. I just couldn’t deal with anything.

I have two possible reasons that could have caused the debacle that was Friday. First, was my lack of sleep. That always screws things up more. Then there was the fact that I saw both G and R last week and they were both very emotionally intense appointments (more on that later). I discussed some pretty difficult subject matter with each of them and was having physical symptoms in both appointments because of this (almost like panic attacks, but not really).

Then on top of that was the added stress of going back to medical school. This week was pretty calm, but the mere fact that I’m back in med school makes me stress out. But really, it’s been fine. Physically taxing and emotionally difficult, but fine. 

Still, in the end, I can’t help but feel quite depressed. I really just can’t keep going on like this. I need to sleep, and I have too much going on in my head. Way too much.

I do admit that I’m letting myself slip away. I’m not on top of things right now, not very much. And that’s not good.

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