Warmth

I cried in my appointment with G today.

Might not seem like much, but considering I’ve been seeing her since May and this is the first time I actually have tears streaming down my cheeks during therapy with her, it’s a pretty big deal. Not that I didn’t want to do it many times before, I was just too embarrassed.

Why did I cry? I’ll elaborate…

I argued with mom again yesterday. Everything was going fine and dandy these last few days with her and then yesterday a nasty argument developed. One of the dogs peed inside the house and she got mad. I went to clean it up but she told me not to, that she wanted to do it. I insisted. She said “You don’t know how to do it!”, to which I sarcastically replied “Right, ’cause there’s only one way to clean up dog pee.” (Mom is a perfectionist and nothing is ever right unless it’s done exactly her way.) She started arguing about how it’s her house and she has all the right to demand things be done her way, then rambling about my doing it wrong. I screamed at her to please listen, tried to explain to her what I was doing and why I was doing it that way. She kept arguing. Finally, it ended with me screaming: “Screw you! Do it yourself then!” And I left.

She probably cried after that. I feel like shit.

Anyway, point is, I spent the night crying on and off since about 11pm all the way to 3am. Was very emotional, was *this* close to cutting (but didn’t do it), and very very very suicidal. So, that was the prelude to today’s appointment with G.

I was a mess. My eyes were still puffy when I got to her office and I was very worried and nervous because I wanted to talk to her about what I felt but was afraid she would consider sending me inpatient since I was in such a state. At one point she asked whether I needed a partial hospitalization (intensive outpatient). I said no, it wouldn’t fix anything. Finally the dreaded question I was expecting came along:

“What guarantee do I have that you won’t do something to yourself?”

Shit. I thought I was in deep shit right then and there. I thought I’d said too much, elaborated too much about my suicidal thoughts. It reminded me so much of M, because she used to ask me that all the friggin’ time.

But finally, I convinced her with the truth: no, I wasn’t going to do anything. If I hadn’t done it by then I wasn’t going to do it anymore. And thankfully she believed and trusted me.

We discussed my mom and her effect on me. She was adamant about my having to distance myself emotionally from mom. She seems to understand just how difficult that is for me, which is a good thing….but I still have to do it. I was able to do it these past few days quite fine, but I guess yesterday I slipped off my tracks.

At one point I turned my face away and paused for a second, couldn’t take it anymore. She asked “What are you thinking?” That’s when I started crying. I tried to hold it back. She told me to not be afraid to cry.

“It’s just….it’s embarrassing because I’m in my twenties and still thinking about this, but I just wish I had a mom. I wish things were more consistent and stable. Sometimes I think everything is going great with her and then suddenly everything just comes falling down and we’re back in square one. I want to hug her and feel like she’s genuinely hugging me back, not like she’s merely doing it because she feels obligated to do so. I realized just how important it is…the human touch. All I need is that human contact. I miss it.”

I think I’d been meaning to say that for quite a while.

I need a hug.

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