Unpleasant Flashbacks

5 days without writing. Definitely not my style. I have a lot of things in my head.

My eyes are stinging right now, as I write this. And I have a headache. I’m so damn tired. My sleep, as usual, is terrible.

Things with mom have been ok since I apologized for the argument. Actually had a nice, long conversation with her last night. Just blabbering away. Bonding. I missed that.

But I haven’t been feeling all too well these past five days. My lack of any sleep has a lot to do with it, but I think I’m also just stressed and worried about beginning medical school again soon. And, I don’t know, I just feel weird. Maybe it’s just one of those down-times for me? I don’t know. I’ve also been confusing dreams with reality and having some very emotionally-charged dreams I can’t seem to shake off.

I suspect it has to do with something R asked me in our last appointment. She asked me: “Why didn’t you ever accuse him of anything?” (him being The Ex).

I told her the truth, which was that I thought I didn’t have proof of what happened between us and I didn’t think I was strong enough to go through such a grueling process and revealing such a secret. But I guess it’s what I didn’t tell her what really got me upset.

Obviously, at one point, in my naive-inexperienced-teenaged mind, I thought I was in love. With time (and after years of therapy) I’ve learned that there was more abuse involved in the relationshiT than anything else, including his abuse of his power as my teacher, and that I was used. I didn’t tell her this. In all fairness, it didn’t pop into my head until a few hours after seeing her and having that question repeat itself in my brain a million times…why didn’t you ever accuse him of anything?

I guess I can’t forgive myself for not having reported him. I can’t forgive myself for allowing things to happen the way they did. I can’t forgive myself for knowing that he’s leading his life like nothing ever happened and his budding career as a lawyer was not affected. He’s leading his life without knowing the extent of the damage he caused in mine….and I can’t forgive myself for that.

I want revenge, damn it.

I told R about the last words he ever said to me. The last thing he said on the phone when I told him the relationshiT was over. I’ve mentioned it here before, but I’ll refresh your memory…he said: “Now I know you can be trusted.”

“Now I know you can be trusted.”

“Now I know you can be trusted.” 

“Why didn’t you ever accuse him of anything?”

“Now I know you can be trusted.” 

R kind of squirmed in her chair when I told her those words. I could tell she was trying hard not to have an exaggerated reaction. But it was there. The disgust was there. It flashed on her face for a second. I wish she would have had a stronger reaction. I wish she would have become enraged….

….because I feel rage. 

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