Head held high

Emotionally I’ve been relatively ok these last few days. Things are less stormy with mom and I’ve distracted myself from dad’s health issues because there’s no point in worrying when there’s not even a set surgery date yet.

MM has been a great source of support all this time. I’m glad she’s at home. I wouldn’t be as lighthearted and relaxed if she wasn’t here. It’s helped me a lot depression-wise. And I think the Prozac has been doing some magic too (maybe it’s placebo effect, but I don’t really give a shit so long as I feel better).

However, my sleep is all over the place. Still a mess. And I haven’t gained weight (not that I want to). Also haven’t lost weight. I’d be lying if I said I’m not restricting, because I think that’s already so ingrained in me, but it’s not as bad a problem as it was in September. This weekend my aunt came to visit and she was surprised at how much weight I’ve lost (she last saw me when I was almost at my heaviest). It was awkward and it triggered me, but I’ll be fine.

Today I got out of bed terribly suicidal because I haven’t been sleeping well and in addition I didn’t sleep at all last night. I have a nasty case of allergies or a cold (don’t know which) and that didn’t let me sleep. Also didn’t go to dance class because of that (third absence this month, all three related to health!). My body feels like it is in shutdown mode right now. Physically, I feel shitty. But I was able to somehow “surf” those suicidal thoughts, and hopefully I’ll sleep tonight.

And I didn’t mention this, but after spending more than $300 on clothes last week (impulse shopping), I also got a fucking $100 speeding ticket the day I argued with mom. I took a detour after taking MM to work in the evening and decided not to go back home and kept driving for an hour and 15 minutes just to distract myself. The distraction resulted in me having to pay $100 out of my savings account….so that’s about $400 down the drain….shit. Now I’m scrambling around putting up listings on Ebay just to make up for that spent money.

But really, I’m managing. I’m surprisingly positive in spite of everything. I’ve been keeping my head held high most of the time and I’m impressed with myself. I’m kind of proud of myself. I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve been maintaining a positive attitude that is stronger than the negative environment around me.

And I think that’s my biggest achievement to date, in all my years of life 🙂

Finally, I begin my second shot at the pediatrics rotation the second week of December. I’m scared, I’m excited…..but mostly I’m just scared shitless. So far everything is set in place….I’m enrolled, I emailed the coordinator, I discussed my plan of action from here on with the curriculum office director….

I’m….I don’t know….excited? I don’t know how, but yes. And I like how it feels to be (mostly) optimistic. I could get used to this.


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