I hate being lazy.
Correction: I hate being lazy for too many days in a row.
Why? Because I get bored. Boredom makes me ruminate. Also, I spend waaaaay too much time in my room, roaming the internet, facebooking, sleeping….in other words, things that don’t involve my moving around. And that triggers me.
But why does it trigger me? Because, remember, I think I’m fat. So, anything that involves a sedentary lifestyle for too long makes me think I’m packing on pounds as the seconds go by (not exaggerating there). I get so anxious at my potential “fat-ness” that I start feeling bloated and slightly nauseous.
That, in turn, makes me start having suicidal fantasies. Boredom and thinking I’m fat make me want to off myself.
And, finally, I start feeling like a useless pile of shit that gets out of bed past midday and does nothing all day. Remember, I’m used to always being busy (medical school isn’t known for down-time). Any time I’m doing nothing feels like I’m wasting my time and I’m going to die tomorrow being, you guessed it, a lazy piece of nothing.
I don’t know, I just….I think I’ve been cooped up inside the house for way too long. G warned me against this. She said it was eventually going to get to me, that I had to socialize, get out, just do stuff. Now I’m hearing her voice saying “I told you so”.
Plus, I’m having a nasty case of wanderlust (wait…when am I ever not wanderlust-ing?).
I just…want to get out of here damn it. And, shit, it’s almost midnight so that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I’m just going to have to go to sleep with all my fat-ness and wait until tomorrow. Just thinking about sleep right now triggers me…because it’s a sedentary “activity”, because I won’t be burning calories. That’s how bad my thoughts of “fat-ness” are right now. So bad, that yesterday I untagged myself from any facebook picture in which anyone could see the “fat-ness” that I see in myself.
So, that’s how I’m feeling right now.
It makes my skin crawl. I want to vomit.
(I’ll post later about my family and what’s been going on lately. I just…don’t feel like it right now.)