Wanderlustin’ Lazy Piece of Nuthin’

I hate being lazy.

Correction: I hate being lazy for too many days in a row.

Why? Because I get bored. Boredom makes me ruminate. Also, I spend waaaaay too much time in my room, roaming the internet, facebooking, sleeping….in other words, things that don’t involve my moving around. And that triggers me.

But why does it trigger me? Because, remember, I think I’m fat. So, anything that involves a sedentary lifestyle for too long makes me think I’m packing on pounds as the seconds go by (not exaggerating there). I get so anxious at my potential “fat-ness” that I start feeling bloated and slightly nauseous.

That, in turn, makes me start having suicidal fantasies. Boredom and thinking I’m fat make me want to off myself.

And, finally, I start feeling like a useless pile of shit that gets out of bed past midday and does nothing all day. Remember, I’m used to always being busy (medical school isn’t known for down-time). Any time I’m doing nothing feels like I’m wasting my time and I’m going to die tomorrow being, you guessed it, a lazy piece of nothing.

I don’t know, I just….I think I’ve been cooped up inside the house for way too long. G warned me against this. She said it was eventually going to get to me, that I had to socialize, get out, just do stuff. Now I’m hearing her voice saying “I told you so”.

Plus, I’m having a nasty case of wanderlust (wait…when am I ever not wanderlust-ing?).

I just…want to get out of here damn it. And, shit, it’s almost midnight so that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I’m just going to have to go to sleep with all my fat-ness and wait until tomorrow. Just thinking about sleep right now triggers me…because it’s a sedentary “activity”, because I won’t be burning calories. That’s how bad my thoughts of  “fat-ness” are right now. So bad, that yesterday I untagged myself from any facebook picture in which anyone could see the “fat-ness” that I see in myself.

So, that’s how I’m feeling right now.

It makes my skin crawl. I want to vomit.

(I’ll post later about my family and what’s been going on lately. I just…don’t feel like it right now.)

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3 comments
  1. Hi,

    I, too, find boredom and laziness so depressing and unpleasant that it is debilitating. It becomes a downward spiral, where I feel lazy and then depressed, and then even more lazy because I'm depressed. We really don't appreciate what we have, do we? When we're both back to our hectic lives – you will med school and me with the Emergency Department – we'll be kicking ourselves for wasting all this precious free time.

    I've been on an easy rotation the past week and have been doing absolutely nothing. I am also cutting alcohol and bingeing so it has been even more unpleasant than normal (nothing to soothe myself, which is apparently what I need constantly). Yesterday I realized I was being ridiculous and an ungrateful brat and got my butt into gear today and went to the coffee shop to study.

    Is there anything pleasant you can do that takes little effort? I think it's great that you are going to ballet! Even if you don't feel like being social, you could head to the local bookstore or library and browse or read, or to a park for a walk to enjoy the beautiful fall colors.

    When I am in a bad place mentally, I also feel like I am having a “fat” day if I don't do anything. Which usually triggers me to eat, which makes me feel even worse. I am so embarrassed to be seen in gym clothes that I just work out at home now – videos, mainly. Maybe that is something you could try.

    xoxo,
    K

    Like

  2. Hey hun,

    I'm so sorry I took so long to reply! November hasn't been a good month blog-wise. I have to get my shit together :S

    Oooh you are *so* right about not appreciating what we have, our free time. I can feel the re-beginning of med school breathing down my neck and it's driving me nuts. I just hope I don't regret having been lazy all these months. I've been out for 7 months….that's crazy. I'm definitely kicking myself for wasting my time every second of each day! I still have things to do that I've been wanting to do since I got out of hospital!

    I think the two pleasant things I can do that take the least effort possible are reading and playing with my dogs (or walking them). Ugh, I know…I have to haul my ass around and do these things. I can't keep this laziness up.

    You know, November has been such a bad month exercise-wise. I've barely gone to ballet. Been sick, been tired….and if it wasn't that then there was some other random problem popping up as an excuse. Again, I have to get my shit together. Not going to ballet triggers me so much because it's my only “real” form of physical activity, so I instantly feel like I'm gaining weight…but also because I love it so much I feel I'm missing out 😦

    Hope to hear from you soon! (And I hope it's good news!)

    TAke care,

    Like

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