I Hate BPD Because…

I hate BPD because…I want a tattoo.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said that and my body is still ink-less. In addition to a tattoo, I want to replace my wardrobe with clothes that actually feel like “me” right now (whatever or whoever that is). I hate my closet right now because I feel barely any of my clothes actually reveal my true nature: rebellious, edgy, non-conforming.

Again, I don’t know how many times I’ve gone through this in my life. I’ve changed my style so many times. Not in an obvious way, though. This time around, I want radical change. I spent almost $300 in online shopping this week alone (remember: I’m a student, so it comes from my savings account…meaning I’m spending money I shouldn’t be spending).

And I want to keep shopping and shopping, and buying and buying. I have 144 items in my wishlist in a certain clothing site I visit literally every day (down from 165 earlier today). I believe I have a problem with impulse shopping. Whenever my emotions get difficult, one of my many coping mechanisms (albeit not the best one) is online shopping. It’s not such a big problem right now because I obviously don’t make any money, but I don’t know how the hell I’m going to deal with this when I’m making my own cash.

I don’t know myself well; I don’t know my exact identity….so online shopping gives me the instant gratification my emotionally overwhelmed mind seeks. I fool myself into thinking I’m buying things that are more “me” than what I currently own.

I hate BPD because…I want to see more bones. Being so self-destructive I always think I want to be thinner, thinner, thinner, emaciated…dead. I feel like that right now. I look at myself in the mirror and I think: A bone peeking here, a bone peeking there….but it’s still not enough. 

But I’m not controlling my food much right now. Not since September. Ironically, it would seem I haven’t gained weight. But the fear of getting fat, of looking fat, of being fat….is always there. The thoughts are always there. You don’t have to be actively engaging in eating disordered behaviors for your eating disordered thoughts to torment you. However, I feel I’m soon to engage in behaviors again. It’s unfortunate, but after having mental illness for a while you become so tuned into yourself that you just know when things are going to get shitty again.

(Plus, the last months of the year -October thru December, and especially NOVEMBER- are my peak emotional down-time. More on that in another post.)

I hate BPD because…I get attached to mother figures. Or at least women who for one reason or another I feel a certain bond with. The reasons can range from something as mundane as I think I physically look a bit like this mother-figure to She gives me more attention than my actual mom.

I went to dance class today. Before my class, there’s an intermediate level class held in the same studio. Every time the students come out my heart skips a beat. Why? Because I hope and cross my fingers that the teacher who gives that class will notice me when she comes out of the studio. See, this specific teacher gave me dance classes when I was a kid. I became attached to her, and I was her best student. I thought of her as a mother figure. I constantly wished she was my real mom. Even after quitting dance back then, I bumped into her a few times and she still remembered me. Recently, she moved back to the city and is giving class at the company where I take classes. The first time I saw her walk by me I had so many emotions bursting through my chest and my brain….it was overwhelming.

Maybe she remembers me. Maybe she doesn’t. I don’t know. But my point is that in my 20s, I still have the same feelings. I haven’t gotten over this. Every time I see her I wish she was my real mom. And it makes me feel so horribly guilty. I feel like the worst daughter ever.

I hate BPD because….when R canceled last week’s appointment I had two bad days in a row and I’m still harboring slightly negative feelings toward her. When I was with M, near the end, I got pretty good at managing the emotions that were roused by canceled appointments (the feelings of abandonment and all that jazz). However, I know I’ve taken a few steps back in my road of progress since I started seeing R. The stress of building this new relationship has me acting out again.

I hate BPD because…R’s canceling an appointment wouldn’t have been as bad if I she didn’t remind me so much of the mother-figures I’ve gotten attached to in the past. She looks a bit like the dance teacher I mentioned previously and has a quiet demeanor to which I naturally gravitate. That constant reminder of my “mommy issues” coupled with a canceled appointment and all the feelings that involves does not make for a good combination.

I hate BPD because…instead of loving myself I hate myself by default. Instead of learning to love myself, I learned to hate myself.

But most of all, I hate how I don’t really hate BPD…because it has given me the chance and drive to be a better version of myself. I shake hands with my mental illness (or illnesses, or whatever). We agree to disagree.

I have a lot in my head these days. Too much in my head. It’s getting to be too much. A second hospitalization has crossed my mind a few times. But NO, it will not happen. I haven’t gotten to that point (and hopefully I won’t).

Advertisements
6 comments
  1. Doc said:

    Hi,
    I hope you are OK. I have been reading your posts (but not commenting – sorry.) I suspect the looming start of school is both exciting and frightening. As it should be? You mention a second hospitalization. I have always found hospitalization just added to my misery, made the hole deeper, harder to see out of. I'm curious…what good came from being in the hospital? How did it help you? Doc

    Like

  2. Dear,

    I'm sorry I've been so incommunicado lately 😦 I've just gotten caught up in things and didn't feel like whining online about the same problems over and over again.

    Anyways I just wanted to say a quick “hi” and also let you know that I did write back to your comment from last month! Ack but not the latest one, sorry! I will soon! I always appreciate your kind words and insightful advice.

    Ha I wanted to tell you that I also used to have a HUGE problem with online shopping. I was trying to buy happiness. It was ideal because I could be lazy and all disgusting in my pajamas and yet get a high. I wasted soooo much money on clothes that I only wore once. As a result I am in SO much debt right now and barely have enough to buy groceries because I had to start paying off my loans when I started working. Anyways, I do think that of all the addictions we could have, it's a relatively benign one 🙂 And if we get buyer's remorse we can usually return things! Now buying clothes makes me incredibly depressed because I am so fat. I am the fattest I've been in my life, I think.

    Oh and trust me, I totally understand your weight and body issues that you talk about here 😦 I'm so jealous that you can restrict what you eat so well. I used to be able to. I got a high out of it. Now I get a high from gorging on everything in reach.

    I hope you are well, dear! I hope to hear from you soon!

    Love,
    K

    Like

  3. Hey Doc,

    Yes, exciting and frightening sums it up quite well. But more frightening than exciting, unfortunately. I just worry whether I'm mentally/emotionally strong enough for it. But there's no other way of knowing than to actually do it, right?

    I guess in terms of hospitalization, I got lucky and had a good first (and hopefully last) experience. I was on my own, took a break from my life, met people with completely different backgrounds and perspectives about life in general, and people who I could somehow relate to in terms of mental illness. I needed that. Maybe it was just the specific circumstances at that specific time and how everything fell into place. The people, my emotions, the environment, my attitude during the whole ordeal….I don't think those specific circumstances would repeat again by chance alone. Maybe a second stint at hospital would actually be a bad thing for me. Who knows?

    In terms of how it helped me, I think mostly it was a pretty good wake-up call for me in terms of my attitude in life and priorities. It was also, admittedly, a week of escaping from my life (and my head), of just leaving everything behind for a little while. But of course, I didn't realize this until much later. Before, during, and right after the hospitalization, I thought it was a mistake.

    It's kind of difficult to explain without making this really long and boring (as a side-note: you just gave me an idea for a post!). And, like I said, it was probably mostly due to the specific circumstances surrounding my hospitalization.

    Take care

    Like

  4. Hey K,

    No worries, hun! I know things aren't easy for you lately.

    You're right about the online shopping. And, wow, I'm just the same, lying in my pajamas and being a complete slob but getting that high no matter what. Damn the age of wifi!

    As for food…ugh, I feel so disgusting lately. Halloween was like opening some sort of pandora's box. I'm constantly eating candy. And I'm usually not like this, because my family isn't too big on candy and sweet stuff, so that kind of things are usually not even present in the kitchen. It's so annoying. And I hate myself every time I look in the mirror. I can't stand looking at my body. I too get a high from restricting, but it's never enough 😦 I just feel like I'm somehow letting my weight issues hibernate a bit…but they're still very much there, and I'm not doing much to actually feel better about myself and my body. It's so difficult, I'm sure you know what I mean 😦

    Take care, and I too hope you are well,

    Like

  5. Hanna said:

    Hey, Sorry – last comment. (I hope my comments aren’t annoying/creepy or anything). I just wanted to say – the mommy issues (I don’t know if you remember my mentioning my sexuality as an issue, but it had a lot to do with that…my excitement and almost “butterflies-in-the-stomach” type feeling I would get with certain older women made me think perhaps they were like crushes…anyways, that issue is more something of the past now), excessive sleeping, body harming (I suffer from dermatillomania and trichotillomania which have left some rather undesirable scarring) and weight issues have been equally big for me. We are not alone.

    Also, I sent a friend request to your borderline med fb profile (just in case you wonder who the random is). and you can make with that what you will 🙂

    (And now I will stop harassing this blog)

    Sending good vibes
    Hanstan

    Like

    • Hey there Hanstan,

      No worries about the comments, I actually appreciate them a lot. I might take a lot of time to respond sometimes because I have so much to do but rest assured I read them and think each of them through 😉

      Life deals us some shitty cards every now and then, and I know where you’re coming from with the “butterflies in the stomach” thing, but do keep in mind that you are a strong person for having made it this far, and that includes your body. Self-harming is so difficult to deal with, I know firsthand, but never lose the hope of someday being able to deal with your emotions in a more positive way.

      No worries, you’re not harrassing, haha!

      Take care!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: