Over and Under

I feel pretty shitty today. It wasn’t a good day. There’s a hormonal component to that (monthly visitor), but there’s also some other stuff.

In my previous post, I mentioned how it had been a bad day and life has a funny way of bringing you back down. So, I’m just going to put this out there…

My dad had an abdominal CT scan done recently. He has a kidney mass. Obviously, there isn’t a diagnosis yet. It could be benign, but it could well be malignant. My mom informed me this on Monday, right after feeling elated and positive on Sunday. So, yeah, life has a funny way of bringing you back down.

But of course, like G told me on Tuesday, I can’t just assume it’s malignant already. I can’t already have a defeatist attitude when there isn’t even a diagnosis. I have to take things one step at a time. We have to take things one step at a time. However, it’s kind of difficult because my dad already feels defeated, and my mom too.

It’s all pretty difficult. I’ve always lived in panic of losing my dad at a young age, and now this happens to him. I’m afraid, I’m worried. Very worried. And I don’t know how to deal with it or how to approach him. I want to make myself available to him, to let him know that I’m here for him. But I don’t know how to do it without feeling awkward or without making him cry. I’m feeling pretty powerless right now.

Then there’s the shitty family dynamics that take place at home. I won’t even try to explain this in a single post because it’s impossible. Let’s just say emotions aren’t openly discussed at home. My parents are kind of inept at talking about their emotions. Also, my mom’s volatile moods don’t help.

And then on top of all that, R cancels today’s appointment. I’m scheduled to see her in two weeks, but by then it would have been four weeks since I would have last seen her, or 6 weeks since I started having terrible sleep. Whatever, the point is that canceled appointments always trigger the borderline in me. I slept today for about 2-3 hours during the afternoon because I was feeling so abandoned, angry, and depressed, honestly. Also thinking about M, missing her.

Finally, med school is in my mind. Constantly thinking that I’m freaked out about going back in December, and also angry at seeing my friends doing interviews for residency and visiting rotations. It’s kind of difficult not to compare myself to them and feel absolutely inferior.

Whatever. It all boils down to black and white thinking. A few things aren’t going well right now, so I’m thinking everything is going terribly.

I don’t know. Just feeling pretty overwhelmed. I have a lot in my mind, this post doesn’t even begin to cover it all. Need to take my mind off things.

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