She’s a maniac

It’s gone.

Or at least I think it is. But I hope it’s not. Maybe it’s just taking a break?

My good mood, bubbly, goofiness…. Where is it?

It was there this morning when I saw G all throughout the appointment. It was there by midday. Then I had lunch with my dad. And I felt myself going down, down, down….back down.

Since about two days ago I’ve been doubting whether I might have been (am?) slightly hypomanic….whether the Prozac might have had that effect on me. My goofiness, jokes, and being all around bubbly was just too much for me (I’m normally a bubbly, goofy person). It was extreme. Plus, I haven’t been sleeping well, and whereas I usually get suicidal when that happens, this last week I would generally wake up in a decent mood nonetheless.

Last night at one point I looked at my sister and I just started hysterically laughing for no apparent reason. She even pointed out my good mood on two occasions, asking whether something was up. And that was after my dance class, during which my head was nowhere to be found and I couldn’t coordinate my mind with my muscles…it was a mess, but a goofy mess. I was smiling all through the class.

Before going to sleep I was even all hyper. Tired, but hyper nonetheless. Listening to 80s music, stretching in my bed, thinking a million things… 2am.

Then today I had my appointment with G and I was a goofy mess. Laughing hysterically every 5 seconds, making faces, couldn’t focus on ANYTHING she asked, would forget everything I was going to say as soon as I opened my mouth. And again in a good mood in spite of barely sleeping. I felt so high. So so high. I felt awesome, like an awesome person, like I could do anything and not an ounce of stress would fall upon me.

And now it’s gone. Just like that.

FUCK THIS SHIT….why the hell is it gone???

First time I feel FUCKING HAPPY in forever and now it’s gone?!

I still feel it fizzing inside me a bit…but it’s dying out, like a flame lacking oxygen. There’s some hope of it coming back, I think. I want it back, damn it!!!! Maybe tomorrow?

It sounds ridiculous that I would actually want to be excessively cheerful (or hypomanic, or whatever it is), but after having one bout of depression after another I can’t help but feel like happiness eludes me.

I’m addicted now. Will it come back?

Or maybe it shouldn’t come back, because tomorrow I’m seeing R and she’ll probably want to change my medication if she sees me like that.

Fuck. The existential issues of a mental illness patient. You’d think being a medical student I’d have enough reason to not want anything to do with mania (or whatever that cheerfulness is) close to me.

Yet here I am, almost praying for those fizzy bubbles to come back….


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