Goofy, bubbly, aloof

I’ve been in a really good mood these last few days.

But I feel like I’m on a roll and soon it’s going to end. I wouldn’t be surprised if this good mood ends at some point and I’m back in the dark stuff. But for now, I’m just enjoying it, I guess. It’s strange, but I’m trying not to question it. Yet I can feel a strange, lingering, anxiety within me. Like some baseline anxiety monster hibernating but waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.

And the ironic part is that my sleep has been disastrous. I randomly wake up at 6am, no matter what time I go to sleep. And then I try to sleep a bit more so I end up getting out of bed by midday. I hate that. Maybe it’s the Prozac? I don’t know.

It’s all just very strange. It’s not “normal” for me. And I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve just been living the moment and not questioning my mood, which is good, but it’s oh so not normal for me. It’s weird.

These last few days I’ve spent just doing stuff here at home, or sleeping (ugh). I’ve had a lot of bonding time with MM, which is great. I get all bubbly and goofy when I’m with her, which is good for me because it dissuades the baseline stress that my parents produce.

But damn, there’s this little bug inside my head that keeps saying “This isn’t normal for you. You’re supposed to be down in the dumps. That’s normal for you.”

But why does “normal” have to be “down in the dumps”? Why can’t it be “bubbly and goofy”?

Meanwhile, on Thursday I lied and said the art teacher was sick so I could skip the last art class I had. Then on Friday I lied and said my car broke down so I could skip this month’s research lab meeting. I was so tired from my sleepless nights, and also felt careless and irresponsible, so I lied to stay in bed. Like I said, I’ve just been very “out of character” lately, and I feel like my head is up in the clouds.

And I’m kind of worried about where this strange good mood is going. 

Anyways, I forgot to post about a very important “thing” that happened recently. It was before I took the internal medicine practical exam re-take. I went to a review class one of the course coordinators decided to offer and it happened while I was there listening and just taking notes.

I was just sitting at one of the desks, and I had my white coat beside me, and was pretty focused on what was being discussed….and suddenly, with a strange longing, I had this thought:

Damn, I miss this. I want to be a doctor. 

Moments like that are pretty rare, so I’ve just had that in the back of my mind ever since. It’s been keeping me going. I do want to be a doctor. Yes, yes I do.

And I will be a doctor.

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