Another good day.
Saw R today. It was a good appointment. It was great, actually, I felt very comfortable with her today. We talked about a bunch of things. It’s ridiculous how much time she gives me, at least an hour. She was more thoughtful today, responded more to the things I said and asked a lot of questions (as usual).
But it was also a good appointment mainly because I was more relaxed, just going with the flow. There’s a definite difference in my level of stress now that I got rid of that test. I was even sitting very relaxed in her office while we talked, which hadn’t happened until today. Finally, I can breath.
We talked a lot about my wanting to grow to be an independent woman, but also being afraid of what that entails. Also, how my fears of being a “woman” are related to my distrust of men. Inevitably, we talked at length about my problems with bullying back in school. I told her it kind of annoyed me that I always ended up talking to her about those years of my life, when that happened a long time ago. And she responded that there’s nothing bad about that, that it seems to her a lot of my problems are related to those years and discussing my development and my feelings at the time are key to helping me get better today. She’s right.
At one point, she mentioned I’m always apologizing for the things I say and mentioning that my thoughts are “ridiculous” or “stupid”. I couldn’t help but laugh, because, I told her, M used to point that out so much and G did it recently too. And so, she reminded me of M even further when she said that her office was “my space” and I could say anything I wanted and nothing was “stupid”. I felt a certain nostalgia for the days when M was around.
I don’t know, I just felt it was such a good appointment. I felt there was a certain “click” that hadn’t been there the past 2 sessions. And I’m glad that happened. I really like her and I would like to stay with her.
I was in a ridiculously good mood the rest of the day. Being my bubbly, quirky, weird, and spontaneous self. My sister even pointed it out.
I missed that. I missed me. I missed my energy and my quirks. Depression (and mental illness in general, really) has this ability to sometimes take away you and replace it with a generic zombie. It’s frustrating. So, when I have moments like these, I feel really happy, and revitalized. And when I have moments like these and don’t question them, like I tend to do, I feel even happier.
I’m in good hands. I’m glad I’m with G and R. During my time of closure with M I would sometimes think I would end up depressed, hospitalized, or just a total mess again. But here I am, still alive and kicking.
R and G are pretty awesome. They’re like my heroes right now.