I think it’s been good

Oh yeah, I passed that stupid test. Yes yes yes.

I kind of can’t believe it, and I really haven’t celebrated, but I think it’s because I spent so many days so ridiculously anxious that it completely killed the mood. I mean, on Tuesday, the day after taking the test, I was so anxious that my feet were cold and blue (and I wasn’t cold). So, yeah, I’m done with third year internal medicine….FINALLY. I don’t have to repeat the rotation, and my work all those weeks was not in vain….THANKFULLY.

And I have all the free time in the world now….again. Let’s make the most of it, shall we?

In other good news, I haven’t really had any side effects with the Prozac so far. Unless my not being able to sleep AT ALL last night was due to Prozac. I just spent the night tossing and turning. For some reason, even after knowing I had passed the test, I was still anxious and restless.

I think in general I’ve been ok. Yesterday I felt pretty depressed, but I think it had to do more with emotional lability than depression per se. I was just so worried about passing or not passing the test, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was irritable, spent the whole day sleeping.

Then today, after not sleeping last night, I actually woke up heavily suicidal. That always happens when I don’t sleep, my suicidal thoughts go from 0 to 100 and I can feel this incredible rage within me. So unpleasant.

And speaking of emotional lability, on Friday I had dinner with my two best med school friends. I had a really good time, was really happy to see them after so much time. But then on my way back home I just started randomly crying in the car. I felt so inferior to them and like such an outsider during some of the conversations we had, because they’re in fourth year and I’m still in third. And I couldn’t help but feel sad because things have inevitably changed. I’m probably just exaggerating, but that’s how I felt. Either way, at least I still have my best friends, I didn’t lose them during this whole ordeal.

Now, food-wise, it was kind of a weekend of torture. I went out to dinner twice and then had a small family get-together. So, a lot of food involved too early in the “starting to eat normally again” process. I ended up really frustrated, with a lot of negative thoughts about my body and such, the whole shebang. But I’m feeling a bit better today, taking things slowly, trying to be positive, remembering that I passed that test, that I’m actually a good human being, that feeling good actually feels good and that it’s perfectly ok, that physically I’m not that shitty looking, etc.

And actually, like I told G today in our appointment, I like how my body looks and feels right now. I feel like this is my body, like this is what I’m meant to look like. This is the body I recognize. But that doesn’t take away the irrational fears of gaining weight, the negative body-image, and all the food-related problems. I have a loooooong way to go…

So, it’s been good. I’m good. I’m doing good. I think. The more I say it, the more I can step all over that incorrect idea I have that I can’t be happy or have a good time/day/week/month/year/life.

G told me today that I smiled a lot during the appointment. I think that says it all, right?


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