Another one bites the dust

I still don’t know whether I passed that test or not. I have to email the course coordinator and ask her. However, I’ve almost assumed by now that I passed, given the circumstances. But I need some confirmation to feel comfortable celebrating. I don’t want to receive bad news after celebrating.

Saw the new psychiatrist on Thursday. I’ll be calling her R from now on (yes, she earned her letter!). I still don’t feel very comfortable with her, but I have a feeling (or maybe it’s just hope?) that I just have to give it time. I mean, the same thing happened with M and G so by now I should know better.

The appointment went awkwardly well, just like the others. It was mostly just me blabbing away about myself and my meaningless life.

At one point I mentioned how I’ve always lived in fear of losing my dad and not having him see me grow. She said that was like a contradiction. I was puzzled. And she explained, that because I’m a pseudo-adult, it’s kind of a contradiction that I would be saying I want my father to see me grow.

I felt weird when she said that. And uncomfortable. Here was this grown woman insinuating that I’m already an adult and I’ve already “grown up”, so it’s ridiculous of me to want my dad to see me grow…because that already happened. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t feel at all like an adult. I feel very immature. So, when she said that, I felt strangely inferior to her, immature, and just plain stupid. It was honestly very uncomfortable for me to hear her saying that I’m an adult. For some reason I felt I’m not acting “adult-y” enough.

And, as was expected, she took me off Wellbutrin. *Sigh*

Tomorrow I’m supposed to start taking Prozac. It’s so fucking frustrating to have a medication change when you know the medication you were on previously was actually working for you. Except for the itty bitty detail that is my weight, Wellbutrin has been good for me. I’m skeptic about Prozac, honestly. And it scares me to start taking a different medication when Wellbutrin has been keeping my depression at bay for a few months now. My irrational thoughts about this go somewhat like this: Wellbutrin made me thin and not-depressed. Take that away and I’ll end up….fat and depressed??

Of course, R said my health is the priority here, and that also, obviously, her knowing that I have a tendency toward the eating disordered she can’t keep me on Wellbutrin. All I heard was “blah blah blah”. My irrational mind is seeing her as the enemy now.

She told me that if a space pops up this week, she wants to see me. She said that if anything happens, that I don’t tolerate the medication change or whatever, to call her office. Yeah, right. Knowing myself and my reactions to medications, the most I’ll have is a headache, nausea, and trouble sleeping. That’s the least of my worries, considering I’m now going back to an SSRI, which will take weeks to work. I’m more worried about getting severely depressed again than getting diarrhea for a few days, thankyouverymuch.

But anyways, even if I sound like I’m hating on her, the truth is the appointment went ok.

And I insist, she reminds me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on who. I have a clue as to whom it could be, but I’m not so sure. It’s just a very weird feeling. I feel like I’ve seen her before or like we’ve met before, but that’s almost impossible. It’s like some weird “interpersonal deja vu”. It’s creepy, honestly.

But yeah…a lot is going through my mind right now. I think I’m going to bombard this blog with posts in the next few days.


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