(TRIGGER WARNING: A lot of foul language here dealing with “adult” stuff.)
(This is Part 1 of a giant post I decided to turn into two separate posts…stay tuned…)
Lately I’ve been thinking way too much about the Ex and things concerning him, and that’s been making me very uncomfortable and threatening to make me unstable again.
So, last Tuesday G gave me an assignment: to write the Ex a letter with anything and everything I wanted to say to him. Then, she said, we would compare it to an old letter I had written him back in 2011, one month after the relationshiT was finally thrown to the curb and left to die alongside hungry maggots.
I thought it was a good idea, so I dug into my old diaries for that old letter and wrote him another one yesterday. The old letter from 2011 is basically me demanding answers from him, angry because I gave so much and put so much effort into the relationshiT and felt he didn’t do the same. Still, I was very weak back then, and was only beginning to doubt what I thought were his “love” and “kindness”, and this shows in the old letter. I was still very naive and unstable.
So, here is what I wrote yesterday in my diary and dedicated to him:
This is for you, (I don’t like saying his name, even in my diary I refer to him as “him”.)
The only reason I’m writing this letter is because G suggested it and I thought it was a good idea. Otherwise, I would prefer to just rid my head of you, the same way one would clean up a disgusting stain. There’s only 1 reason for which I don’t want to forget you: so that in the future I’ll know the type of man I DON’T EVER want to be with.
I can’t deny there were some things about you that I liked…but the ones I didn’t pissed me off so much: your fixation with money and sex, controlling and manipulating disguised as loving and concerned, having something against my family for no reason, when you threatened me with leaving for the most insignificant things like photos with friends or saying “don’t be a fool”….I could go on and on: the list is infinite.
You used to say “I’ll teach you” about sex and life, as if I was some kind of idiot and needed a teacher. The truth? I started getting sick of you since the first time your wife found out you were cheating on her with me (which was only a few months after we began the relationshiT). But I always denied it.
We met when I was 16 and you were 30. 14 years! Married! And you were my teacher! Your responsibility was to ignore the unsolicited attention I gave you and not make any advances yourself. Ah, but, I guess the promise of a young and virginal vagina was just too much for you. That says a lot about you. You had a sickening fixation with my virginity, and yet you had the audacity to compare me to your wife when it came to sex. (He said she was better.)
You took so much advantage of me, that you even asked me to check your assignments and to correct your student’s quizzes. This, coming from the asshole who had the audacity to tell me I hadn’t fought for anything in my life. I’m pretty sure the office you have now at (expensive area of the city) was something you found thanks to your wife’s connections (like many other things), not because you “fought” for it. You always thought you were so much better than me because of the mere fact that you were raised in (poor part of the city) and you went to (inner-city school). I hope one day you rot in your fucking snobbishness and arrogance. You are an ASSHOLE, a serial cheater who doesn’t have the balls to either tell his wife he loves her or he wants to divorce her.
Because of you I have problems with depression, anxiety, problems with food and my body, and problems with men. Because of you I have no self-esteem. I already had problems when I met you, and you just made them worse. But you know what? You will never take me down.
There were so many times I wanted to tell you to fuck off during those years, but I was living in denial. You always said: “I know you’ll eventually leave,” as if I was the unfaithful and desperate one, just to manipulate me into staying! And you know what? Yes, I was the one who ended it, but it was because I finally saw you for what you really are: a fucking piece of shit.
Your favorite song: (insert cliche song about fighting for what you want and proving yourself here). I hate that fucking piece of shit song so much. You think you’re such a fighter, when you admitted to me that you were staying with your wife because of her money. A fighter would have been someone who had gotten divorced and somehow found a way to make it on their own. But you? You are just a cowardly leech. A coward who gave me his office phone number so I could call him there, and then told his wife I was stalking him when she found out for the 100th time that we were still together after seeing the call history, just to save his ass. That’s how much you “loved” me and wanted to be with me “forever”. How mature of you, to deceive a teenager.
You know…my mental health isn’t the best, and I have suicidal thoughts almost daily, but I prefer this a thousand times over being with you ever again. Because a real man doesn’t throw a tantrum when his “partner” can’t see him because she has a test in a few days. I just had to be on my knees begging for you no matter what, right? Everything was fine as long as your needs were being met. Admit it, you just wanted to fuck a teenager.
I don’t wish you death. No. I wish something far worse for you: that you will always feel emptiness in your life and that you die alone and isolated from the world because of how pretentious, arrogant, and hypocritical you are.
I am, in theory, supposed to forgive you at some point in my life. But no, first I want to forgive myself for the incredible mistake I made. Exactly, me first and you later if I feel like it…just how it’s supposed to be, how it should have been right from the beginning.
I ran into you, your wife, and your daughter back in November. I was with my parents and simply froze. But if someday I run into you again, and it’s just the two of us, I’m not going to waste words on you, but rather, my facial expression is going to make you feel like what you really are: SHIT.
You were the worst influence in my life. You were a grave mistake. I hope every day you go to sleep on your $300 bed sheets feeling miserable alongside a wife that has you on a leash (and for good measure).
Go fuck yourself and rot in hell, you fucking asshole.
PS: That friend I took a picture with back in my summer internship? The one you gave me shit for, argued about, and threatened me with leaving? He’s gay, you idiot.
So…yeah. That happened.
*Looks around innocently*
To me it felt epic.
I had to get all of that off my chest once and for all.