Polarized

I’m having a lot of uncomfortable thoughts right now. Uncomfortable thoughts that I welcome…does that even make sense?? About death, about how to do it….the usual. So, I’m trying to listen to upbeat music to get my mood up.

I’ve been very antsy all day. I’ve had conflicting thoughts about who I am and how I want to present myself to others. Case in point: in the morning I had a research lab meeting and I was dressed with a nice dress and some flats, but then I went back home and I changed my clothes to a black button down shirt, jeans, and combat boots. Why did I change? Because my mind was (and is) as convoluted as my choice in clothing.

When I was seeing M, I started dressing in nice dresses (dare I say…girly??). I’ve said it before here, but I used to do that because she used to dress that way. Chameleon is as chameleon does. *Sigh* Why did I do it? I didn’t know at first, but with time I realized it was because I didn’t want her to reject me based on my choice of clothing being so different from hers. According to my child-brain, the more similar I was to her, the higher the chances of her identifying with me and not rejecting me.

Shirley Manson: When I say edgy and
non-girly, this is what I mean.
She was and is, incredibly sexy though,
but let’s just focus on her rocker aspect.

But ever since she left I’ve had this incredible urge to dress as non-girly as possible. Whenever I look in the mirror and I see “girly”, I get pissed. I get the urge to dress in dark colors, mysterious, or mean-looking. I’ve been using my combat boots more often. I get the urge to get piercings and get a tattoo. Oh, I hadn’t mentioned that one, but yeah, I want a tattoo now. (Not that I didn’t before, but now it’s sort of been cemented in my mind.)

I’m just tired of looking girly. I’m sorry, but I’m not a girly-girl, damn it! I don’t want to attract attention….from guys…or men. I want to avoid the looks of men at all costs, and I feel that if I’m a girly-girl I’d be receiving unwanted attention. I make so much sense, don’t I?

Back when I was with the (total-shithead-scum-of-the-Earth) Ex I used to straighten my hair because he liked it that way. I started dressing all girly, welcoming the attention. Never again. I can count with one hand the number of times I’ve straightened my hair since he’s been gone. Such a simple act repulses me so much nowadays. I simply can’t do it, much less for a man.

Speaking of which, recently G asked me whether I saw all men as having bad intentions (like the Ex). I initially said no. But then on Tuesday when we had our session, I realized I lied to her, and I told her that I do, in fact, think all men are looking at me with bad intentions (except for my dad, brother, family, male friends, etc.). This is the reason for which I avoid looking SEXY….GIRLY….or PRETTY. Especially sexy. I don’t have the self-esteem for it, and in addition, I’m wary of any male in my surroundings. (That’s not to say I don’t occasionally dress that way, but it’s become more and more sporadic.)

And, I told her, this is one of the reasons for which I don’t want to gain weight and look voluptuous. Again, because I want to receive as less attention from men as possible. So, the skinnier, the less they have to look at or grab at. The more potentially “repulsive” I would look in the eyes of any random man. (Notice I said that’s just one of the reasons for which I don’t want to gain weight. It’s waaaaay more complicated than that.)

Today I’m Shirley Manson,
tomorrow I’m Hepburn.

But, going back to dressing all dark and edgy…I don’t know myself. I really don’t. I’m having this anti-girly fit right now, but maybe in 48 hours you’ll see me dressed in a nice little dress or trying to look all elegant and Audrey Hepburn-like. I literally do not know where I fit in! I don’t know what it is that I actually like! And it’s damn frustrating, because I feel like I got stuck in adolescence trying to figure out who I am….but remember: I’m already in my twenties.

However, there’s one common denominator in all of this. Actually, there’s two. First one: I can dress edgy, girly, elegant, classy, anything….but as soon as I feel a single man is looking at me because he is attracted, I shut down and freak out. And, the second one is: I morph into what I think important people in my life would be pleased at seeing in me. And by important people I mean, for the time being: potential mates and therapists.

So, there you go. That’s me. That’s how simple I am.

PS: I had a very good appointment with G on Tuesday. I was really angry when I got to her office. I was angry since the previous night. She noticed. And I don’t know what it was, but for some reason I feel I finally meshed with her. I let myself be pretty vulnerable during that hour (although still not 100% vulnerable), and I perceived her to be very warm and caring.

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