Chained and Stuck

I still feel like my head is nowhere to be found.

Why do I hate myself so much? I hate everything about me. From my looks to my personality, everything is subject to criticism. How do I learn to love myself? How do I even begin to do that when I don’t even know how that feels?

I have most of the things I wanted to have at this moment in my break from medical school: dance classes, art classes, research, time for myself. Yet I feel so empty. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and I’m practically back to where I was the last few years. But I still look at myself in the mirror and think: Just a little more.

Nothing is enough for me. Nothing makes me feel satisfied. There’s always something missing.

Strangely enough, I don’t feel depressed (maybe I am, I don’t know). I just feel dead, like I’m just ticking off the days and the items on my To-do lists without giving anything much thought. I feel a bit better when I’m taking dance classes, or for example, last Thursday when I felt a flicker of inspiration during art class. However, I never feel alive. Truly alive? No.

And I also feel like I’m bound by some invisible cage, kept in a rut by some external force. I’m cut off from the rest of the world.

I feel my life is going nowhere. And it’s all my fault, for not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life, or being too afraid of doing the few things I’m pretty sure I want to do with my life. I keep scurrying around, looking for things to do, just to see if they’ll make me feel better and like I have purpose….but nothing is helping right now.

Then there’s the fact that I still feel terribly lonely. I haven’t seen my best friends since who knows when, and I’m also unknowingly isolating, because most of the things I do only involve myself. In addition, I still don’t know where I stand with G….I miss that established trust and mutual understanding I had with M. After 4 months, I still feel like I’m testing G….and it makes me feel very lonely, because I just want to feel understood and validated as soon as I walk through her office’s door, like I did with M.

This is all so sad. It makes me want to cry…because I’m the one who’s keeping myself caged in.

This is going to sound so corny, but I really want to spread out my wings already. It’s just that sometimes, like right now, I doubt whether I even have any wings.

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2 comments
  1. My dear ,

    I am sorry that you are hurting. I believe I know how you feel… Utterly helpless and alone, and then you realize that you are sabotaging yourself. In a way I think it's good though: you are taking responsibility for your actions and feelings, which means that you do feel like you have some control. As I mentioned before I am so happy that you are taking ballet and art classes and that was such a smart and wonderful idea on your part. You are taking steps to making yourself feel better.

    Sadly though, I understand that pervasive feeling of emptiness. Of something missing. When and if I find it I'll let you know 😦

    I also responded to your comment on my blog from a while ago.. I hope you saw it!

    Love,
    K

    Like

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