I still feel like my head is nowhere to be found.
Why do I hate myself so much? I hate everything about me. From my looks to my personality, everything is subject to criticism. How do I learn to love myself? How do I even begin to do that when I don’t even know how that feels?
I have most of the things I wanted to have at this moment in my break from medical school: dance classes, art classes, research, time for myself. Yet I feel so empty. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and I’m practically back to where I was the last few years. But I still look at myself in the mirror and think: Just a little more.
Nothing is enough for me. Nothing makes me feel satisfied. There’s always something missing.
Strangely enough, I don’t feel depressed (maybe I am, I don’t know). I just feel dead, like I’m just ticking off the days and the items on my To-do lists without giving anything much thought. I feel a bit better when I’m taking dance classes, or for example, last Thursday when I felt a flicker of inspiration during art class. However, I never feel alive. Truly alive? No.
And I also feel like I’m bound by some invisible cage, kept in a rut by some external force. I’m cut off from the rest of the world.
I feel my life is going nowhere. And it’s all my fault, for not knowing exactly what I want to do with my life, or being too afraid of doing the few things I’m pretty sure I want to do with my life. I keep scurrying around, looking for things to do, just to see if they’ll make me feel better and like I have purpose….but nothing is helping right now.
Then there’s the fact that I still feel terribly lonely. I haven’t seen my best friends since who knows when, and I’m also unknowingly isolating, because most of the things I do only involve myself. In addition, I still don’t know where I stand with G….I miss that established trust and mutual understanding I had with M. After 4 months, I still feel like I’m testing G….and it makes me feel very lonely, because I just want to feel understood and validated as soon as I walk through her office’s door, like I did with M.
This is all so sad. It makes me want to cry…because I’m the one who’s keeping myself caged in.
This is going to sound so corny, but I really want to spread out my wings already. It’s just that sometimes, like right now, I doubt whether I even have any wings.