I am officially an active medical student at my school again.

I enrolled in a research “class” (they give me credit hours and a grade for doing research). This allows me to do research the official way….covered by malpractice insurance. Meaning I can finally talk to patients. So, that issue is done. That was quicker than I thought it would be.

Also, for the purpose of saving me a space, the curriculum office at my school enrolled me in a pediatrics rotation….that starts in December. I’m pretty queasy about this.

Why am I queasy? So, originally I was thinking of going back in December. But then the curriculum director advised me to consider going back to pediatrics in April 2015. So, I stuck to that plan and convinced myself I would be working full-time in research until April and have the benefit of having all that free time but not being in a leave of absence. But now they’re telling me it’s highly possible there might not be space for me during April 2015, and the other option is December 2014. Great.

I’m queasy because I feel December is much too early. Plus, I really wanted to have more time for research full-time. I’m afraid I might not be emotionally ready to go back to third year by the time December arrives.

In addition to that….I still have that internal medicine practical exam re-take pending. And I scheduled it for September 29th. Yeah. 3 weeks from now. Yeah….I’m freaking out. I’ve been out so long and I’m already very rusty. So, I have a lot of studying to do (and I’ve wasted a lot of my time already). But I know it’s better I get that out of the way as quickly as possible. But yeah, just like the ObGyn tests, if I don’t pass this one then I have to repeat internal medicine. BUT THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN (trying to convince myself there).

So, I feel worried…very worried. About that exam re-take and about probably going back in December. I don’t know if my fears of not being ready are irrational or if they’re valid. I hope they’re irrational.

And that’s enough about medical school.

I enrolled in dance classes. I missed it so much. And on Tuesday I saw G. We talked about my always focusing on the negatives and how I have to allow myself to be happy, to stop having this deep distrust of happiness. It reminded me of M. She used to say that to me so much. *Sigh*

I also told G about how I feel numb lately. Since I’m always having emotional extremes, she suggested it could be that I’m not actually feeling “numb”, but rather having a “normal” emotional range lately. And, since I’m used to feeling extremes, not feeling extremes feels as though it were numbness. I’m sure she’s right…but only partially. There’s just this incredible emptiness within me lately makes me feel like I’m about to explode soon. I feel like I’m living in a goddamn haze, and it’s so uncomfortable. My past, present, and future are a haze. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I’m very tense. There’s just too many changes that have been happening this year. I feel terribly overwhelmed. I want some stability, at least for a little while. Maybe that’s why I feel I’m in a haze…because I’m so overwhelmed I just block everything out.

Sometimes I feel so alive….but that’s usually when I’m having very intense emotions. Sometimes I like it, like when I’m having positive emotions, or when I have such good rapport with a patient that my eyes water (true story). And then sometimes, I feel alive, but I hate it because I’m having such negative and intolerable emotions….like intense anger, or an intense urge to self-destruct.

Sometimes I feel I’m in an eternal state of oblivion. And physically in limbo. That’s how I feel lately. There’s literally nothing. It’s like I’m waiting for my life to begin but I’m doing absolutely nothing toward that. And by “life” I mean becoming independent and becoming a woman. I start to feel desperate as the days go by because I don’t feel any progress….I don’t feel anything at all.

Now that I think of it, this “numbness” might just be the stability I’m looking for. But maybe it’s so foreign to me that I see it as a threat and something to feel uncomfortable at.

I just want to look back at my life when I’m older and think: Yeah, I truly did feel and live my life.

I don’t want to look back and think:

Well, that was a haze. What happened all these years?



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