Shiny New Toy

I saw the new psychiatrist yesterday.

It was…weird, different, awkward….as usual when you’re seeing a new psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor/whatnot.

BUT….I liked her. I liked her a lot. She gave me a very good vibe and was very nice. She also seemed very nurturing, but that was just a first impression. She reminded me of someone but I still can’t put my finger on who.

The appointment lasted a little over an hour and I liked that she didn’t make me feel rushed, which is something I absolutely HATE when going to doctors, etc. We started talking about general health and depression stuff: do you have any physical conditions? have you seen or heard things? how do you feel when you’re depressed? Etc. Throughout the appointment I mentioned problems with anxiety and how they had worsened after my hospitalization, the borderline personality, and pseudo-eating disordered tendencies (as I like to call them). I ended up sarcastically saying: “I’m pretty simple.” She chuckled.

We talked about so many things: my having to deal with suicidal fantasies constantly at least since I was 16, the hospitalization and the reasons for it, how and why I sought treatment back in first year of med school, the borderline personality, medical school and the leave of absence, cutting, my family and our relationships, mental illness in my family, how 10 years-old was kind of a “defining age” for me….I told her my initially seeking treatment back in second year of med school was due to the breakup of a relationship I had, but I tried as hard as I could not to tell her about the nature of the relationshiT, because I was too embarrassed and felt it was too much for a first appointment. So, initially, I told her there was more to it, but that I didn’t want to talk about it.

At one point she asked whether I had ever been abused. And that’s when I realized that if I wanted her to understand fully what I was talking about and the things I had told her, I had to tell her the three important details of the relationshiT. So, I ended up saying: “As a child I was not abused, as far as I know. However, something really important that did mark me was the relationship with my ex, because it wasn’t exactly a ‘normal’ relationship. So, I’ll just blurt it out: he was married, he was 14 years older than I…and he was my high school teacher.”

Silence. That was her response. I felt uncomfortable, but I know she was just giving me a few seconds of silence so that I could come to terms with what I had just said. I knew I looked visibly uncomfortable after blurting out those words. She broke the silence by calmly saying that she wasn’t there to judge me, which reminded me so much of M.

In general, I told her as much of myself as I could. I feel I kind of freaked her out with so much stuff, but I hope that was just an erred perception on my part.

In the end I asked her a few questions, and she assured me that I could be as informal, genuine, and badmouthed as I wanted to be. She joked: “You can even insult me….so long as you don’t hit me, there’s no problem.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

Turns out she knows M and the psychiatrist I’m doing research with, and she graduated from my school’s psychiatry residency. Small world. And, she’s also a child and adolescent psychiatrist, so her office is roomy and filled with toys and bright things, just like M’s office (except for the roomy part). She told me I could even play with the toys if I felt like it. Couldn’t help but laugh at that too (though I do admit it’s tempting).

So, I’m glad to say, she doesn’t accept my insurance, but at least this first appointment was worth it. We’ll see how things continue developing when I see her again on September 18th.

I don’t want to jinx it, but my first impression is she’s a good match for me. I’m kind of hesitant to say that because I didn’t feel that way with M or G in their respective first appointments. Actually, I was in a ridiculously good mood the rest of the day yesterday. So, this is a first.

I genuinely feel that I’ll be in good hands with both her and G. Hopefully, this holds true.

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