Soooo, I saw G yesterday, and it was a really really good appointment. I think I was more receptive and relaxed, that probably helped a lot. And I perceived her more warm than usual; probably, again, because I was more determined to be relaxed.
I told her all about the flash drives and how I was thinking a lot about the Ex these past few days. She said I shouldn’t think too much about the past, because it won’t let me progress in my present state. I agree with her, however, I told her, I found it good (to a certain point) that I remember things that happened between us and in the relationshiT because these are things that I had forgotten and blocked, just so I could keep on with life. But, remembering them reminds me of how I don’t ever want to repeat those specific mistakes again. EVER.
Also, we talked about consent, and how I felt I had consented to certain things with him (including things with sex, like I said in my previous post), but that I didn’t really want to do those things and just “consented” to not feel the abandonment of his leaving. She basically said that that’s not genuine consent, which left me thinking.
And then when I told her about the flash drives we started talking about the pros and cons of accusing him of anything. She said she supports any decision I make. And she asked whether I thought I had been abused. I had discussed this with M before, so I told her the truth: that I had thought about it before, but that I didn’t really have an answer to the question because part of me says “yes”, but another part says “no”. And then she said that the”no” part is because I thought I had consented (which is true), but that it was more of a “fake consent” because he pressured me to do things (which is also true). And that also left me thinking.
But, anyways, I’m just going to leave it at that for now, I believe. I’m trying not to obsess over it. What happened, happened. And it messed me up, but I want to get better. That’s what’s important.
We also talked in the end about my being distant at times. She said she doesn’t expect me to be all vulnerable and open right off the bat, and how it’s a process. I also told her how I sometimes feel an instinctual need to reject her and her therapy. She asked me to think about why I do that. I’m not entirely clueless as to why that may be….M was (is) really important to me, after all.
I don’t know, it was a really good appointment for some reason. Slowly there’s been progress. Finally.
And then yesterday I also went to a dance class! It was great, and I’ll be returning tomorrow. Even if I’m sore. And tired. I missed dancing. A lot.
I’ve been feeling pretty busy lately with all these new developments. Dance, therapy with G, hobbies, research….and also two days ago I received a call from the office of student affairs at my school telling me that I had been accepted for readmission into medical school. So, my leave of absence is almost officially over. And, hopefully, in a matter of time, (if everything falls through) I’ll be able to do research “legally” and covered by malpractice insurance.
So, I’m going to be a medical student again soon. Not that I felt otherwise, but yeah. I have to admit I’m kind of afraid.
And, finally, I’m having the first appointment with the (potentially) new psychiatrist tomorrow. Don’t know what to expect. It freaks me out.
But, you know….it’s really difficult for me to accept all these things. There’s just too many things all at once. I have to admit I feel overwhelmed. And too many positive things. My instinct is to reject them because “my life can’t be all good”. Also, there’s this fear that I’ll fall into a deep depression yet again. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake off those things. I think I’ll have to eventually learn to live with them.
I don’t know, it just scares me that in spite of all these things I’m doing I don’t feel much during the day. You see, when I’m feeling “negative” things, I really feel them. Intensely. However, when I’m feeling “positive” things, I don’t feel much really. It all boils down to what M always told me: that I always focus more on the negatives than on the positives.
I’m just afraid of focusing on the positives. I’m afraid of having a positive attitude and feeling positive things because it’s unknown to me. And don’t even get me started on thinking: If I start to think positive I’ll get fat because I’ll start to accept my body, high weight and all.
How do I undo so many years of negativity?