I don’t know what I feel lately. I guess I’m fine, I’m ok. But there’s something within me that just doesn’t feel right. It’s like I’m missing something.
I think it has a lot to do with how I have a difficult time accepting when things are just ok and not much is going wrong. Always self-sabotaging. Feels so weird to allow myself to have a negativity-free life. When my emotions aren’t at an extreme it just doesn’t feel quite right. I feel empty and off, unfortunately.
Plus, I miss M a lot. I miss how nurturing she was (is). And I was thinking yesterday about how there were a lot of conversations between us that we were never able to have. There were a lot of things left unsaid. I feel like I lost a sister/second mother. I know I can live without her, but I don’t want to.
I went out with 3 girlfriends from med school yesterday. I felt triggered when none of them commented on my appearance, on whether I had lost weight. Because they didn’t seem to notice a big difference in me, it made me feel like I’m still not thin enough. I get triggered when people comment, and I get triggered when people don’t comment. Go figure.
Two days ago I was thinking about my previous post, about how I felt frustrated that I had no evidence to accuse my Ex of wrongdoings if I ever felt it appropriate. But then I remembered I still have some old USB flash drives from back when I was in high school.
And, lo and behold, there are so many documents relating to my Ex in these flash drives, it’s ridiculous. Pictures, letters, word documents….all of them with dates from back when I was in high school. So, I do, after all, have the evidence I was wishing for all this time. I thought I had deleted all these documents, or that the flash drives were inaccessible. But, it’s still there: evidence that there was something not-normal between him and I….between a teacher and an underage student.
And then my conscience got in the way….*Sigh*
I think I should just let it go. I don’t see any benefit from my incriminating him. Vengeance feels good….only for a little while. But then what? It really doesn’t solve anything. Plus, I know very well that he pursued me…but I pursued him, too. And, finally, I thought about his family. Not about his wife, because she had a huge part in stirring up my problems with anxiety and depression. But specifically, I thought of his daughter. And I put myself in her shoes and thought about how it would scar me for life if my father was involved in a legal battle of that magnitude.
However, if at some point in my life I learn that I was not the only underage student he was sexually involved with….that changes everything. He used to teach in another school before mine, and he once told me that a group of girls at that school accused him of something he (supposedly) hadn’t done. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, because the accusations were nothing sexual in nature (according to the very vague story he told me). However, I always found it odd. So, if ever I suspect something I’ll seriously consider coming forth.
But for now, I believe, I’m just letting it go.
I just want to work on myself and leave all of that behind…to finally be able to put an end to that chapter of my life.