(This post has some possibly triggering and graphic stuff dealing with sex.)
I saw G on Wednesday. As a result, I’ve felt emotionally overwhelmed since then. We talked about two very important things.
First, is that I told her about how self-destructive I’ve been feeling since ending therapy with M. She told me, yet again, that I became attached to M and that I can’t become attached to people (or pets, or things, or anything) because today they’re here but tomorrow they might not. She said I also can’t become attached to her.
It honestly pissed me off, more than the first time she told me those exact same words. She makes it sound so easy, but it’s not easy to not become attached to positive people who stay by your side no matter what when you’re used to being used, discarded, bullied, and ignored. I acknowledge that I do not know how to create a very close relationship with someone if it’s not by becoming attached. With me, it’s either become attached, or keep distance and not let that person into my life at all. I don’t know how to reach that appropriate gray area where I’m close but not attached. I simply do not know how to do what she wants me to do (or not do). And it’s frustrating.
Either way, what’s important to me is that I know M didn’t abandon me and she will always remain a very positive figure in my life. However, what G doesn’t know that’s been bothering me lately, is that I feel M doesn’t exist anymore because she’s not physically with me. I feel like any emotional connection I had with her has been severed simply because I can’t see her, and I barely think about her anymore. Fucking lack of object permanence. Fucking BPD.
Now, the second important thing we talked about….At some point during the appointment, we were talking about my screwed up relationship with men. She asked me what feelings my dad inspires in me when I think of him. I said love, and appreciation, but also a bit of mistrust.
At the very end of the session, I read G some memories that had “come back” to me recently. These memories are, basically, about sex. They’re about my sexuality growing up, my knowledge of sex and masturbation as a child, etc. Some of them I hadn’t even told M about because I was too ashamed, but I took a gamble with G just to see what she made of them.
It was absolutely awkward and I felt mortified by the time I finished reading her the memories (and I didn’t even tell her what I consider to be the worst part). She didn’t say anything when I finished, which made me very uncomfortable, but I’m sure it was just because it was the end of the session by that time. I had to ask her what she thought, if anything, about what I had just read.
She asked me whether I was very outwardly sexual as a child. I said no, but that sex was much too frequently in my mind at least since I was 8 years old. I thought about it too much. She found it odd that many of the memories I read her (and many other things I’ve told her since beginning therapy with her) are from when I was around 9-10 years old. A lot of pivotal things in my life happened or began around ages 9 and 10. I already knew this.
She said she found it odd that I knew so much about sex at age 10 (I don’t find it odd, considering I had a decent sex education). She also said that she found it odd that sex was so present in my mind already around that age. I do agree with this. I didn’t tell her this because I was too ashamed (this is the worst part): at age 10 I remember thinking I wanted to be a prostitute and I had already seen porn before that age. (wow, that was incredibly embarrassing to write)
So, G ended the session telling me I should think about that. She said that I might have a revelation sometime, or that I might not. In other words, that maybe something happened to me, or maybe nothing happened and my sexual development was simply a bit weird.
Since Wednesday then, I’ve been looking at old pictures and trying to dust off old memories to see if there’s a clue…to see if there’s anything, really. But there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. It pisses me off, because it’s easier to pinpoint something and say: Aha, that was it. But no, it seems I will never fully understand myself. I know you’re not supposed to search too much (believe me, I don’t want to create false memories), but it has always bothered me. Why so many problems with sex and sexuality? Why so many problems with men? Why 10 years-old? Why fucking 10 years-old?!
And, it doesn’t help that in the process of searching I’ve unwillingly dusted off a lot of memories having to do with my Ex. Memories of him calling me selfish because I apparently didn’t put in enough effort to pleasure him (what the hell was he expecting from an inexperienced GIRL?). His insistence at penetrating me without a condom on, even before we started having intercourse, and how saying “No” was not enough and I had to literally push him out of me. His pressuring me once we started having sex, because he wanted me to use birth-control pills, just so he didn’t have to use a condom. My trying to swallow (if you know what I mean) and how he got utterly pissed when I simply couldn’t do it due to how disgusting it made me feel, and how I ran to the bathroom to cry (it was my idea to try it, but it didn’t justify his reaction). How disgusted and dirty I felt near the end of the relationshiT whenever we had sex. And many more.
Add to those memories the ones having to do with his jealousy and the subtle (and obvious) ways he would bring me down. How at one point he wanted to end the relationship because I took a picture with a male friend by my side. How he made me paranoid around men in general because according to him, “other men were looking” at me. How he didn’t agree with my taking dance classes.
It’s all too much. I knew being with my Ex had scarred me pretty bad, but I hadn’t realized it was this bad. On top of that, not having a specific memory of something happening to me as a 10 year-old makes me think I was simply weird to begin with, and the Ex just made matters worse.
But it depresses me to think I was simply born or developed, weird. End result = Me (and my baggage) in 2014.
Is it worth it to look for answers? Will I even find any answers?