"How are you doing?"

That’s what my sister asked me about an hour ago. And the real answer is:

Not horrible, but not exactly ‘good’ either. 

I ended up saying: “Normal.” She said: “What does that mean?” Exactly my point.

As opposed to the feel-good attitude and the “shit’s happening but the sun keeps shining on me” thoughts I had on Friday after the last session with M, the next days have been a bit tough. These past 3 days have been a testament to the fact that I need to keep myself busy.

Since Saturday I’ve been experiencing the return of self-destructive thoughts that I hadn’t had in a while. Cut, restrict food, take pills…thoughts that hadn’t been so loud for quite a while. Last night I even felt like just grabbing a razor and cutting deep into my hip, the way I did back in 2012. However, I didn’t do it because I thought about how it would be a disappointment for M. (Notice how I didn’t say it would be a disappointment for me. Although I know it would be, and it’s one of the reasons that stopped me from doing it, the feeling of disappointing M after her leaving was stronger.)

Also, I’ve been going to sleep no earlier than 3am, which of course just makes matters worse. I haven’t had trouble falling asleep though, it’s simply because I stay up late browsing random internet stuff. And then I wake up by midday, which makes me feel like a useless piece of lazy, making matters even worse. A vicious cycle.

Last night I considered taking one of my leftover Ambien pills just for the fun of it. Just for the sake of feeling self-destructive and careless. The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I remembered the creepy thoughts I was having about things in the room moving around in the dark last time I took one.
 
Careless. Impulsive. Self-destructive. Never good.

I presume it’s my way of dealing with the pain of M leaving. For some reason I switched from full-blown crying last week and allowing myself to feel, to keeping it all locked-up and thinking about self-destruction.

Maybe it’s my way of dealing with denial? Probably. I don’t want to replace M. I want M. I don’t want anybody else. And I don’t see G until Wednesday. But again, G isn’t M. M is gone. M, and our unique relationship, are gone.

I have to get myself out of here. I have to get myself up and moving. And I have to allow myself to feel my pain (and not in a physical way). If I don’t, it’s only a matter of time before the self-destructive thoughts become full-blown suicidal fantasies.

Funny thing is, I actually did get out of the house today. I went to my med school to turn in my letter and medical certificate asking for readmission. But not having M during this new change/process of asking for readmission, etc, is making me panic. Sometimes I think “Yes, I can do this on my own, that’s what M helped me for all this time,” while other times I’m thinking “Hell no, I need her.”

What am I to do during these times of transition? I’m feeling scared and brave, strong and weak, lost and with purpose, all at the same time.

I guess the positive thing I can see in all of this is that it’s a chance for me to allow the relationship between G and I to become stronger. She knows I allow her to get close to me sometimes, and then pull back and become distant all of a sudden. She told me in our last session after I asked her. I feel terrible for that.

I feel I’m in limbo yet again this year. Except this time I don’t have the security of seeing M in a week or two.

How do I swim among these dark waters?

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