Sorry I didn’t post there for 4 days, but this week has been…..wow. I don’t even know. Remember how I kept saying everything would explode at some point? Yeah, I think it’s going to get to that point pretty soon if I’m not already there.
First of all, I got myself in a little mess of a situation. I met up with the psychiatry professor yesterday and it was a very positive experience. I felt somehow a bit stronger after talking to her, like things would somehow be good in spite of my crazy nerves. I even got excited when we decided on what project I would be working on.
But, literally half hour after meeting with her, I found myself in shambles yet again. After the meeting I went to an office at my school to ask that office’s director a few questions I had about the leave of absence and such. At one point I mentioned I would be doing research soon. She said that sounded like a good idea. But 5 minutes later she stopped and said: “You know, now that I think of it, I think your doing research might actually present a potential liability issue if you interact with research participants.”
Yeah, so, turns out I was misinformed about whether or not I could do research during this time. Apparently, there was a misunderstanding and being in a leave of absence due to medical reasons means the school’s malpractice insurance doesn’t cover me right now. Great. Awesome.
The only option I have is to end my leave of absence prematurely, ask for readmission to my medical school, and if they grant me readmission then I would have to enroll in a research course. I wouldn’t have to enroll in a rotation, just the research course, so I would have exactly the same amount of free time I have at this moment being in a leave of absence. So, really, it’s a technicality. That’s the only way the insurance would cover me and I would be allowed to do everything research entails.
I spoke with the professor. She didn’t seem stressed at all, but obviously for the time being I can only work in minor things. I can’t work with research participants or their medical records.
The solution seems easy: ask for readmission and try to enroll in that class if I can. However, I started to have my doubts….about whether I should even do research and am pushing myself too much too early. And even if it’s a technicality and it would be as though I were still in a leave of absence, asking to officially end my leave of absence this soon freaks me out.
I don’t know if I’m willing to go through so much trouble just to do research. It’s a huge, monstrous stone in my path, and I might not even be allowed to go back so early in the end. It depends on so many things, on so many people. I want to do research, but I want it to be something fun and positive for me. I wasn’t expecting to have to jump so many damn hurdles and feel so stressed just so I can step foot in the laboratory area.
But the problem is I already gave my word to the professor. Also, I really like her and she gives off a very good vibe, and I have no doubt in my mind that the experience would be positive for my self-esteem and general well-being. And of course, I was excited about this whole idea initially, so that’s a good sign.
But how much am I willing to do to be able to work with her? Like always: all it boils down to….is fear. Fucking fear. And insecurities. I have to make up my mind. Soon.
On top of all this shit the fact that my appointment with M this week wasn’t exactly great didn’t help either. Again I was blocked and emotionally absent. In the end there was a sparkle of emotion from me, but M cut me off and told me my time was up after rushing me to finish my story. That had never happened before. She wasn’t horribly rude, but it still hurt. A lot.
Right after that I was so hurt, sad and angry. I was demonizing M. Black and white, as usual. It was like the past two years and all she’s done for me didn’t ever happen. Luckily, after a while I decided to skim one of my old diaries and read over the entries I wrote after therapy sessions with M. It helped me set my feet back on the ground.
But it doesn’t mean I won’t mention it to her when I see her on Monday. It still hurt.
So….demonizing M….the shitty research situation….having to decide what I’m going to do…..having to decide, PERIOD…..all of that in a span of 3 days.
And next week M is leaving.
I hope I don’t blow up. But I have to be strong. I have to believe in myself.