There’s so much clutter in my head. I can’t think anymore.
M is leaving on August 20th. I have approximately 4 more appointments left with her. On the surface I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that I’m handling this imminent separation just fine. But I can feel the incessant chatter in the back of my head and the pain in my heart. I know all of this is going to explode once she’s gone, when it’s too late.
There’s so many things I want to tell her or ask her before she leaves. I don’t even know where to start.
I just can’t wrap my head around the thought that she’ll be gone soon. It doesn’t feel real, and I’m still in denial.
I remember my first appointment with her quite clearly. I scheduled it because my medical school’s psychologist told me that she thought I needed pharmacological help after 4 months of little progress with her. The appointment was at 8am and I was on my way there. At one point my phone rang. Once I saw the number I panicked. It was my Ex. I hadn’t heard from him for 4 months, since the wife (yet again) realized we were together and texted me. I answered and told him I wasn’t ready to have that conversation at that moment (mainly because I knew I had to dump him but at that stage I was still too weak to do it).
So, you can imagine what that appointment was like, with that background. I remember feeling so vulnerable, like I was somehow put on the spotlight. There was a lot of crying, I think. At one point M asked me to show her my cuts, and for some reason I did, which I hadn’t done with the school psychologist before.
And I felt so frustrated, and so scared, because I didn’t know what was going to happen with my life. But I wanted to trust her, I wanted things to work out.
It’s been roughly 2 years and 4 months with her, of communicating with her almost every week whether in person or via email. Right from the start, every wall I put up, she tore down. I was literally a weak little bird in need of some serious nursing. I grew accustomed to her weekly nursing.
I really don’t have any words to explain how important a role she has played in my life all this time. I’m not lying or exaggerating when I say that if it wasn’t for her I probably wouldn’t be here today.
My sister tells me that I should welcome the idea of a new psychiatrist. New knowledge, new ideas to add on to what M and I worked on together. I know she’s right, but what pains me the most is not that I won’t have M there anymore, but that the interaction between us, whatever it was, will not happen again.
She’s not my friend, she’s my doctor. Actually, I’m pretty sure if we knew each other in another setting we’d probably just be acquaintances and not close friends. It’s a strange relationship, doctor-patient, but it hurts to think that with all its strangeness, that unique interaction between her and I will (probably) not happen again.
And really, that’s why I’m so sad. Because I’ll lose that. Whatever it is, that interaction, I’m going to lose it soon.