Connection

There’s so much clutter in my head. I can’t think anymore.

M is leaving on August 20th. I have approximately 4 more appointments left with her. On the surface I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that I’m handling this imminent separation just fine. But I can feel the incessant chatter in the back of my head and the pain in my heart. I know all of this is going to explode once she’s gone, when it’s too late.

There’s so many things I want to tell her or ask her before she leaves. I don’t even know where to start.

I just can’t wrap my head around the thought that she’ll be gone soon. It doesn’t feel real, and I’m still in denial.

I remember my first appointment with her quite clearly. I scheduled it because my medical school’s psychologist told me that she thought I needed pharmacological help after 4 months of little progress with her. The appointment was at 8am and I was on my way there. At one point my phone rang. Once I saw the number I panicked. It was my Ex. I hadn’t heard from him for 4 months, since the wife (yet again) realized we were together and texted me. I answered and told him I wasn’t ready to have that conversation at that moment (mainly because I knew I had to dump him but at that stage I was still too weak to do it).

So, you can imagine what that appointment was like, with that background. I remember feeling so vulnerable, like I was somehow put on the spotlight. There was a lot of crying, I think. At one point M asked me to show her my cuts, and for some reason I did, which I hadn’t done with the school psychologist before.

And I felt so frustrated, and so scared, because I didn’t know what was going to happen with my life. But I wanted to trust her, I wanted things to work out.

It’s been roughly 2 years and 4 months with her, of communicating with her almost every week whether in person or via email. Right from the start, every wall I put up, she tore down. I was literally a weak little bird in need of some serious nursing. I grew accustomed to her weekly nursing.

I really don’t have any words to explain how important a role she has played in my life all this time. I’m not lying or exaggerating when I say that if it wasn’t for her I probably wouldn’t be here today.

My sister tells me that I should welcome the idea of a new psychiatrist. New knowledge, new ideas to add on to what M and I worked on together. I know she’s right, but what pains me the most is not that I won’t have M there anymore, but that the interaction between us, whatever it was, will not happen again.

She’s not my friend, she’s my doctor. Actually, I’m pretty sure if we knew each other in another setting we’d probably just be acquaintances and not close friends. It’s a strange relationship, doctor-patient, but it hurts to think that with all its strangeness, that unique interaction between her and I will (probably) not happen again.

And really, that’s why I’m so sad. Because I’ll lose that. Whatever it is, that interaction, I’m going to lose it soon.

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2 comments
  1. Hi my Love,

    How have you been? I'm sorry I've been so bad at replying… I haven't gotten around to your comment on my blog. Again, I'm just dumping here because I need to talk to some one so badly. It's Friday night, and I'm home alone, trying not to binge, lonely and empty as hell.

    When does this all end? I'm so miserable… so fat, so alone, I can't stop eating, I can't stop doing absolutely nothing. I skipped work all week. I got drunk last night with my friends and ended up bingeing. I'm a disgusting waste of a person

    Like

  2. Hi K,

    I just wrote an “all over the place” post. I guess it's pretty much because I've been all over the place emotionally. I've got so many things in my head, and I've had a lot of important developments in therapy recently. So, I feel pretty overwhelmed and at the same time not exactly ok. I'm kind of angry because I don't want to bore everyone with an excessively long post detailing everything that's been happening, but I feel if I don't do it I'll stop making sense here. So, expect a loooooong ass post to pop up soon.

    I'm so sorry you feel that way lately. We all have our shitty moments (or periods). But remember that you've made it through many other shitty periods, and you're still strong enough to get out of it this time around. And please be kind to yourself, hun. Negative thoughts only make things worse. You're not a disgusting waste of a person. Really, you're not. Don't let your mind fool you into thinking that's true.

    I don't know if it's appropriate to liken my self-harm to your relationship with food, but bear with me for a second. The negative coping mechanisms really do have to stop at some point. I've been self-harm free for a few months (I think) and the way I've been dealing with that is by telling myself that self-harm is not an option when I feel terrible. And it's not an option because it only leaves me feeling like a failure in the end. In your case, bingeing is not the option. Bingeing will only make you feel worse. I don't know if you've tried telling yourself that before, but repeating it to yourself as much as possible will help (even if you falter sometimes).

    You know, the other day I read this: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-believe-in-yourself-in-the-face-of-overwhelming-self-doubt/ I think it might help with the negative thinking 🙂

    Do you think you'll be able to keep yourself busy this weekend? And are you thinking of going to work next week? Is there something you've always wanted to do in the city but never got around to doing? Don't let yourself fall into the comfort zone or auto-mode for too long.

    I really hope this weekend treats you well. Don't worry about sounding off here. You can sound off on my blog as many times as you want! I'll be here if you need me 😉

    Take care hun

    Like

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