It’s been a few ok days since the appointments with M and G. Nothing special, but at least I’m not down in the dumps.
The only downside is that I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I believe it has to do with my having so many thoughts in my head and not being able to just shut my brain up. Recurring thoughts are: I’m a fat ass, M is leaving and it’s time to panic, I feel so useless out of medical school, and…I’m a fucking fat ass. Actually, I think I’ve fooled myself into thinking that I’m managing these thoughts just fine, but in reality I can feel them eating me up inside 24/7.
But, really, although the temptation to write about my recurring thoughts is pretty high, I’ll just leave them for my diary for now. Maybe I’ll spit them out on another post. This is what I really wanted to write about today:
I have trouble with men. I have trouble with how I perceive men view me, their intentions, what they think about me…but specifically, I have this problem of always thinking that men are seeing me in a sexually objectified way.
I don’t know when this distorted way of thinking originated, but it was way before I was involved with my Ex. I believe I started to distrust men when my mom told me, when I was little, that if ever someone touched me in an inappropriate way I should tell her, even if it was a neighbor or family/friends.
However, the thoughts only intensified once I reached middle school, around the time I first caught my dad watching porn. To this day, I still catch my dad watching porn at times. It disgusts me. Not the porn, but my dad watching porn.
In addition, I remember when I was little my brother would pin me down against my parent’s bed and start giving me kisses, making me feel horribly uncomfortable. I’d feel suffocated and trapped, in addition to that very normal feeling at that age that boys were disgusting.
I don’t know whether those events have anything to do with the issue, but I’m just putting them out there because I have a gut feeling they do.
So, for some reason, it got drilled into my head that men only see me as some object to take advantage of. It happens with all men, really. Even my dad, my cousin….all men. Of course, the thoughts intensified even more after being with my Ex (maybe, umm, because he did take advantage of me?).
It’s really fucking annoying, honestly. It pisses me off. I can’t have normal interactions with any man outside of my close male friends (who are like brothers to me). This is why I’m afraid of ending up with a male psychiatrist after M leaves. I don’t trust them, but I also don’t trust myself. You see, I feel like I’m playing a game. A game where, if I perceive they’re seeing me in a sexually objectified way, then I act like some sort of seductress.
Strangely enough, this practically doesn’t happen with guys my age. It only happens with older men, men who are at least 15 years older than I am. At the end of the day, after subtly playing seductress, I feel disgusting, and somehow dirty.
I don’t even know why I’m putting this out there. I’m just leaving it here. I can’t think anymore today.
I might explain myself further tomorrow or something. I think that’s enough for today. I can’t focus.