I had a moment of enlightenment yesterday.
Well, actually, it was two moments. But I’ll only post about one for now. The other one, which is actually the most important one, I’m keeping for later (I’ll explain myself in a later post).
It’s only Wednesday and already this week is proving to be pretty intense. It’s all because I saw G on Monday and M on Tuesday, and both sessions were extremely important and…extremely intense.
I’ll begin with G. We discussed a lot of important things, like my having to be assertive, the way negative thoughts influence emotions, that I have to keep myself busy doing things even when I’m alone, and that I can’t put her on a pedestal because she’s just as human as I am. It would seem that G did most of the talking, but it was actually me, which is good because it means I’m finally opening up to her.
G was particularly adamant about my having to be assertive and telling M how I felt after she canceled these past two weeks’ appointments. I was a bit hesitant, because I know that she canceled because of situations that were completely out of her control. Nonetheless, it was the first thing I told M when I saw her on Tuesday.
There were so many important things discussed in that session, and so many emotions, but I’ll have to leave them for a whole other post. I’ll just cut to the end, my moment of enlightenment:
In a moment of utter embarrassment, I told M that she was in one of my dreams recently. From what I remember, I was a spectator watching the story unfold. In the dream her family was pressuring her to have children. And, after a while, she learned she was pregnant. That was it. That was the dream.
She joked that we should look for some meaning in that dream. I joked we were having a Freudian moment. But, just as I said that, I had this fleeting thought about how maybe the dream had to do with my mom and how I inevitably view M as a sort of mother figure.
She asked me whether I felt any emotions as I saw the dream unfold. I told her that I didn’t really remember. So she then asked me how she felt in the dream. I told her that I knew she felt surprised, shocked, and angry when she learned she was pregnant. (As an aside, later on I remembered that I did indeed feel something in the dream. I felt surprised at her reaction to the pregnancy, and I somehow felt a connection to her in that I was the only one who knew she was angry.)
And, she asked me, why did she feel surprised, shocked, and angry in the dream? I said I didn’t know why but that it reminded me of how my mother reacted when she learned she was pregnant with me. I told her how some time ago I asked mom how she felt in that instant, and she said frustrated, and that she thought: “Another baby??”.
M then asked me: “How does your mother’s reaction in real life fit into the dream you had about me?” And that’s when I had my epiphany. I said: “I don’t know how to put it in words, but I’m sure you understand.” I instantly teared up and my voice broke, and she nodded and said: “Yes”.
I think we both thought the same thing…M is sort of a mother figure to me, and I’m terrified of having her feel the same thing my mother felt when she thought of me the first time: Frustration.
So as I cried, I told M that now everything made sense. I thought…all of my issues, my problems today, somehow relate to that moment so many years ago. It is, in essence, the root of everything. It wasn’t until that moment that I understood why, a few weeks ago, when I told G about my mom’s reaction to her own pregnancy, she made a face of having understood something I didn’t, and said: “That’s it.”
Right after, I told M that I felt miserable, because on top of my mom not wanting me in the first place, I’m a shit daughter. I was never good enough to begin with. It reminded me of how, when I was little, I thought on various occasions that the family would be better off without me. How I felt like a rare and unnecessary add-on after my three siblings.
And, M told me, that is why I blame myself for everything that goes wrong…why I always think I’m inherently wrong, flawed, not perfect enough.
After so much time, I was finally able to connect the dots and understand everything. But what I feel is a lot of sadness, and admittedly a bit of relief, because somehow everything (or most everything) makes sense now.
I was able to finally see the big picture. But it’s such a sad picture…