I’ve wanted to post since Tuesday, but it wasn’t until today that I finally had the time to do it. So, sorry about that.
It’s been a weird week mood-wise. I don’t even know where to begin.
Short version: Monday was a great day, like I wrote in my previous post. However, M cancelled our appointment on Tuesday morning because, her secretary said, she was sick. That set me off on a very shitty mood on Tuesday and triggered my abandonment issues, but it got a bit better after having an appointment with G where I felt I opened up a lot to her.
Come Wednesday I was back in that dark place after regretting my decision of not going to the gym that morning (I was hating myself for it). That led to a very nasty argument with MM, where there was crying and a lot of shouting. That was in addition to apparently making my mother cry previously. MM told me I had to open up and talk about what’s going on with me because lately they’ve been having to walk on eggshells with me and they’re clueless as to why I’m so angry all the time. And I screamed at her that there was no point in talking about what I’m feeling because I feel like dying every day, and nobody wants to hear that, especially your family. I regret having said that, but there’s no going back now.
Then yesterday I had my last summer art class, but was considering not going. Mom forced me to go, and I thanked her later for that because otherwise Thursday would have turned out as horrible as Wednesday. Also, yesterday was my dad’s birthday and I baked him an apple pie. It was another good day.
And today was not bad, but not good either. It got shitty about an hour ago after I logged in to facebook to search something. Inevitably, I saw the first post on my news feed, and it was a girl from my (ex) med school class stating that she had been promoted to fourth year. So I got triggered, because now I feel like a failure, and keep thinking about the leave of absence, and that I obviously wasn’t promoted to fourth year, and that I feel small…yadda yadda yadda. Awesome.
Crap. That was the short version? Sorry about that! Now, on to the truly important stuff…
This week has been more than enough evidence of the fact that I have to force myself to do things and keep myself busy so that I don’t fall into a rut. It’s been about three weeks of misery, and suddenly after two days of keeping myself busy things get a bit better. It’s not exactly rocket science.
It would seem simple to just cram my agenda with stuff from now on and push depression to a corner. However, it’s not. If I keep myself too busy then I start feeling numb…which eventually leads back to, you guessed it, depression. In addition, it’s not exactly easy to force myself to stay active. It takes so much damn effort to push suicidal thoughts and misery out of the picture for some time and coordinate your muscles to get out of bed. I don’t think there’s a single analogy that captures just how difficult that is.
I just don’t understand how and why I let myself sink so low after getting hospitalized. G says that it seems to her that I turn into a ball of mush whenever there’s changes in my life (she didn’t use those exact words, by the way). I suspect she’s right, and that that’s why I’ve sunk so low.
I mean, I’m going through a lot of changes this year: being hospitalized, taking a leave of absence, not being a student for the moment, having to decide what I’ll specialize in, having to decide whether I even want to finish medical school, MM coming back to the US…it makes sense.
However, it’s kind of difficult to accept that because I always took pride in being able to adapt to small changes in daily life (unlike my mom). But now that I’m going through some pretty big changes, I’ve turned into mush. It’s just embarrassing to admit that I’ve absorbed many of my mom’s annoying qualities.
Ugh, I think I’m rambling. I’m just going to wrap this up with the following:
As you can see, this week my mood has been all over the place, but so have my thoughts. And, like G always reminds me, our thoughts influence our emotions. I’ve been thinking about my career, about M, my weight, depression, anxiety issues, anger management, life and death, worrying about my dad’s health, tackling those feelings of failure…did I mention my weight??
I’m really sorry this post was all over the place, but so are my thoughts, and thus, my emotions.
It’s not rocket science…but it sure as hell feels like it.
PS: I promise my next post will make more sense. Going to answer comments now.