Yep. Didn’t think it would happen anytime soon.
It was a good day. And I enjoyed it. Funny thing is, I didn’t do anything overwhelmingly different today. Goes to show that attitude can do wonders.
Yesterday wasn’t really any good. Spent the day with the family; we watched the World Cup final. I actually didn’t have that much time to ruminate, which was good, but either way I didn’t feel alright. I felt fat, lonely and without a significant other, and kept thinking that I will never find someone. That was in addition to the feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I didn’t really have high hopes for today.
Today I went to the gym. When I got home I sent the necessary documents to request a refund for the Step 2 CK that I had already payed for (the next test med students have to take after Step 1, which I can’t take if I’m on a leave of absence). I felt overwhelmed, and cried a bit before clicking that ‘send’ button, because I suddenly felt I had no idea what I was doing or what I meant to do with my life, and that the leave of absence was a huge mistake. I guess I ended up pushing all that to the back of my mind, because I calmed down a bit afterward.
Then, in the afternoon, MM, mom, and I went to my grandmother’s old house to clean up and organize things. My grandmother died in 2012, but there is still work to be done around the house and my mom has been taking care of it all at her own pace.
We spent the time sorting out things that MM could use in her future apartment now that she’s back. It wasn’t at all dull because my grandmother owned a lot of old things. Rotary phones, cookbooks from the 50s, pictures from the 40s…all things that I love and marvel at. I love oldies and antiques. (As an aside, she also owned a piano, which I would love to keep because of the memories it brings back…spent a good deal of time looking and exploring the inside…the keys, the strings, the felt hammers…*sigh*)
Anyways, it was a good afternoon of flashbacks, memories, and bonding. I felt reinvigorated, fresh, cleansed. Somehow I just had a good attitude and kept it up during the day.
Even after getting back home I didn’t feel at all bad. I walked the dogs with mom without hesitating and feeling barely any anxiety, was nice to my family, didn’t snap back at anyone…I even smiled, and laughed.
Of course, at one point I realized I was being mostly positive (mostly…because I still felt fat today), so for a moment I started feeling like a fake and like I was being ridiculous. But I pushed through those self-destructive feelings and forced myself to remain positive. I still have those underlying feelings of “fakeness”, and I still feel strange and awkward with this strange new attitude. However, at least for today it’s done a lot of good and no harm, so…it must be good, right?
I hope I can keep it up, though. (I don’t know how many times I’ve said that.) I still feel a lot of darkness, and I don’t exactly feel “good”, but at least I feel calm. And calm is good.
By the way, I didn’t have a single suicidal thought today.
PS: Here’s “Let it be” to make up for my lack of including it in my previous post: