"Today I didn’t even have to use my AK, I got to say it was a good day"

Yep. Didn’t think it would happen anytime soon.

It was a good day. And I enjoyed it. Funny thing is, I didn’t do anything overwhelmingly different today. Goes to show that attitude can do wonders.

Yesterday wasn’t really any good. Spent the day with the family; we watched the World Cup final. I actually didn’t have that much time to ruminate, which was good, but either way I didn’t feel alright. I felt fat, lonely and without a significant other, and kept thinking that I will never find someone. That was in addition to the feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts. So, I didn’t really have high hopes for today.

Today I went to the gym. When I got home I sent the necessary documents to request a refund for the Step 2 CK that I had already payed for (the next test med students have to take after Step 1, which I can’t take if I’m on a leave of absence). I felt overwhelmed, and cried a bit before clicking that ‘send’ button, because I suddenly felt I had no idea what I was doing or what I meant to do with my life, and that the leave of absence was a huge mistake. I guess I ended up pushing all that to the back of my mind, because I calmed down a bit afterward.

Then, in the afternoon, MM, mom, and I went to my grandmother’s old house to clean up and organize things. My grandmother died in 2012, but there is still work to be done around the house and my mom has been taking care of it all at her own pace.

We spent the time sorting out things that MM could use in her future apartment now that she’s back. It wasn’t at all dull because my grandmother owned a lot of old things. Rotary phones, cookbooks from the 50s, pictures from the 40s…all things that I love and marvel at. I love oldies and antiques. (As an aside, she also owned a piano, which I would love to keep because of the memories it brings back…spent a good deal of time looking and exploring the inside…the keys, the strings, the felt hammers…*sigh*)

Anyways, it was a good afternoon of flashbacks, memories, and bonding. I felt reinvigorated, fresh, cleansed. Somehow I just had a good attitude and kept it up during the day.

Even after getting back home I didn’t feel at all bad. I walked the dogs with mom without hesitating and feeling barely any anxiety, was nice to my family, didn’t snap back at anyone…I even smiled, and laughed.

Of course, at one point I realized I was being mostly positive (mostly…because I still felt fat today), so for a moment I started feeling like a fake and like I was being ridiculous. But I pushed through those self-destructive feelings and forced myself to remain positive. I still have those underlying feelings of “fakeness”, and I still feel strange and awkward with this strange new attitude. However, at least for today it’s done a lot of good and no harm, so…it must be good, right?

I hope I can keep it up, though. (I don’t know how many times I’ve said that.) I still feel a lot of darkness, and I don’t exactly feel “good”, but at least I feel calm. And calm is good.

By the way, I didn’t have a single suicidal thought today.

PS: Here’s “Let it be” to make up for my lack of including it in my previous post:

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7 comments
  1. Hello Love,

    I'm so happy to hear that you had such a good day šŸ™‚ I often hate to admit it, because this is usually the last thing I feel like doing when I'm depressed, but being around people and being productive almost always helps me out of my funk.

    Oh BTW I also used to play piano and it was such a great hobby and I wish I could afford one!

    I was wondering what you do at the gym? How are you feeling about your eating? I have been an absolute unstoppable pig these last few weeks šŸ˜¦ I keep lying to myself that “tomorrow will be the day”!!! And it always ends up being “one more day to pig out”. Signing up for the gym this weekend really made me feel better and I hope to get my weight loss back on track. It's been 8 months since I ballooned and it still depresses me so much.

    And I totally get the feeling fake when you're happy thing – I think growing up it seemed a lot more acceptable and respectful (for lack of a better word) to be subdued or even cranky rather than being upbeat and happy. Being happy was almost seen as showing off. I really have to change that mentality!

    As I mentioned in my reply, I would love to see your To-Do list if you ever get around to it!

    Lots of love,
    K

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  2. hi there!
    I'm new to the blogosphere, thought I'd drop by and say hey. I am also most likely borderline. I'm glad this was a good day for you! I hope the subsequent days have been good too. I know how hard it is to stay positive sometimes, and I totally get how it can feel fake, like you're just going through the motions. But even if it feels forced, it's better than letting yourself succumb to the mind-sucking negativity it's so easy to fall into. Keep on fighting!

    -j.

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  3. Hey K,

    I'm so sorry this is 3 days late. My head is a mess of thoughts right now.

    You know, my family was just the same, where it was more acceptable to be subdued and cranky. It really shouldn't be that way. I guess now we have to work on ourselves to make that go away. But I'm glad you can understand exactly what I mean by feeling fake when you're happy. Makes me feel less alone and weird šŸ™‚

    My eating…ugh. 95% of the time I feel like a whale, and when I don't go to the gym (like on Wednesday) it gets worse, to the point where I'm moody the whole day because I feel like such a fat disappointment. At the gym I just take a boot camp class. It's not much, but at least I feel like I'm doing something. As for food and my eating, it's been kind of a disaster and all over the place this week. Eating too much for my comfort, restricting, eating unhealthy stuff…you name it.

    I really wish at some point I'll feel satisfied with how my body looks, but deep down I know that's never going to happen unless I work on my self-esteem. But to my irrational mind, working on accepting my body means getting fat and fat must be avoided at all costs. Don't you find that annoying and sad? I know the “right” solution to the problem, but I keep working on the “wrong” solution in the vain hope that it'll somehow become the “right” solution šŸ˜¦ Can you relate to that?

    By the way, I owe you that updated to-do list! I'm such a shitty patient, I haven't done it yet.

    Take care, going to your blog now.

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  4. Hi J,

    Thanks for reading, and thank you for the positive words. That mind-sucking negativity seems to be getting the best of me lately. But, I will keep on fighting šŸ˜‰

    Take care

    Like

  5. Hi,

    I hope you are having a good day today šŸ™‚ I'm really happy that you've been trying to keep yourself busy. It's so hard to do sometimes…

    Sorry to unload on your blog but I just really needed to talk to somebody. Today is one of my only full days off, and I'm wasting it feeling so lonely, fat and depressed. I binged and purged today. I napped. I just sat and started at the TV aimlessly. I'm such a waste of a life right now. The main thing that set me off is that I still haven't heard from MT. The possibility of him visiting was keeping me going last week… but now it's been so long since I've heard from him that I doubt I will ever see him again. I know we're not going anywhere but I just wanted to see him one last time, for things to end on a high note, so that he'll always remember me. (And yes, regret treating me like crap).

    I'm so pathetic that I just messaged him joking about him visiting. I'm so needy. But more than that – I am dying of curiosity. I need to know how he went from really liking me to almost ignoring me. What did I do, what happened on his end, why wasn't I enough. It's tearing me apart.

    I'm sorry again for just writing about myself… I hope I'm not dumping on you… I just don't know who to talk to. I'm in such a dark place. I am so scared that things'll just tip and I'll get to that panicky depression where I can't talk myself out of it anymore. I'm so scared. I'm so alone.

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  6. And yes, to answer your question: I feel like having “healthy” eating and body image would be accepting not being skinny and just being normal weight or even a little chubby, and eating everything in sight (because I don't know how to eat normally). I would rather be skinny and maladjusted than happy and fat.

    And you're not a shitty patient! šŸ™‚ The To-Do list is for you to do if you feel like it and if you think it'll help. Sadly I have so much on my To Do list that I never get around to because I get depressed and almost paralyzed by hopelessness and helplessness when I need to do those activities the most. Oh my God… I just want to be happy. How can we do that?

    Like

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