Today was no different. Until now.
I’ve been extremely irritable and constantly angry for at least two weeks. Up until now, in my journey with depression, I had never really experienced such marked irritability and anger. I mean, I’ve always been a ball of angst. However, I always thought it was more of a personality thing. So, this constant rage I’m feeling now on top of that baseline angst, is new to me. As a result, I’ve been treating my family like shit, and beating myself up for it because I know I’m being the horrible person my mind so wants me to believe I am.
Mainly, I’m just angry at myself and my issues. I’ll enumerate them: I feel rage…
- …because I have to live with this fucking illness (for lack of a better word), something that until now I had simply accepted reluctantly.
- …because I have no identity, which I already knew, but didn’t really internalize until now that I’m out of medical school and don’t have the distracting factor that was my studies.
- …because I HATE myself (and my body) but at the same time hate how horribly mean I am to myself.
- …because all I feel is negative: self-hate, pain, sadness, anxiety, borderline paranoia.
- …because every day that goes by I feel more pain at being alive and seeing how I slowly become precisely what I feared becoming.
- …because at the moment I’m not doing much to get better.
- …because I can’t enjoy the things I once did.
- …because I can’t do much on my own, and every time I’m out in public places all I feel is anxiety (at having people look at me, at whatever people are thinking of me, at finding myself face-to-face with my Ex/his wife/his daughter).
- …because I take my meds and go to therapy, but most of what M or G say goes in one ear and out the other.
- …because for once in my life I want to have a real relationship.
- …because things aren’t turning out the way I hoped they would.
- …because I keep thinking back to what I used to be like and how I’m just a shadow of that nowadays, instead of looking ahead at what I want to be like now as a pseudo-adult and making it happen.
- …because I won’t (or don’t want to) take responsibility for my life.
- …because I can’t (or don’t want to) love myself.
Unfortunately, it’s way more complicated than what the list makes it look like, but that sums it up.
Anyway, like I said, today was no different until now. I was feeling incredible rage at all those things, especially #1. At one point during the day I was sitting in my bed, internally eating away at myself and feeling terribly desperate. I heard my mom passing by and called her. She stood by me and instantly could tell there was something wrong with me, so she said, for some reason, that I had to let things go. She said: “Like the Beatles’ song: let it be.“
At that moment I didn’t give it much thought. It wasn’t until now, after feeling absolutely dreadful the whole day, that I finally grabbed my ipod to listen to that song. When I’m feeling like shit that song always brings me to tears, and this time was no exception.
“There will be an answer, let it be…”
Will there, really? Please let it be true, because I really need it.
“And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be…”
I fear getting tired of all this and having that light die out. I thought I had finally gotten to that point, but I guess I was wrong, because I’m still here, writing this post.
That light is all I have left to hold on to.