Asphyxia

I’m tired of me. And I’m especially tired of my mind.

Not a single day passes during which I don’t have suicidal thoughts. It’s been like this for a while now, and I’m tired of it. I’m also tired of being so irritable, and of being such a monster to my family. Sometimes I think I should just try and get it over with already so I can stop the pain, but then I think about this quote I found a while ago: “Suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it gives it to someone else.”

I feel I’ve just been letting it all consume me for a while now, instead of trying to get better. I feel pretty hopeless at things ever getting better. Thus, I keep gravitating toward death. But I know I’m not going to do anything, not now at least.

Honestly, I’m angry at myself because I’m letting my mind run wild. Sometimes I put in a little effort, maybe once or twice a day, to move away from the rut. But really, they’re pathetic efforts, compared with how I used to fight this mental (fucking) illness monster. I feel I’m out of strength and will to fight. I feel I’m just floating around, not human anymore, just a breathing ball of pain. “Me” is gone. I don’t exist anymore.

I can’t find any purpose in life right now. And those grand dreams I used to have for myself don’t exist anymore. There’s nothing left in me. I honestly feel like a zombie. Right now I’m actually wishing somebody would beat me just so I could feel something…anything. Shit, as soon as I wrote that I thought that instead maybe I should cut. And sadly, I’m actually considering it. I think the last time I did it was early this year.

I feel so self-destructive right now.

There’s obviously something that’s keeping me in this rut. It’s either something I’m doing, or something I’m not doing…or both. Damn it, why does everything have to be so complicated?

I feel suffocated.

I might post something more coherent tomorrow.

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2 comments
  1. My dear,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I seriously wish we knew each other in person and could get together and I could take your mind off things and try to help. I know that this is a very difficult and unfamiliar time for you. Not being a student suddenly kind of takes away your identity, doesn't it? But you are more than a student. And I know it is so hard because all you feel like doing is wallowing and not moving but please please just get up and do something. Make it a point to try a new workout video each week. Or read classic books. Or read medical stuff so that when you go back you're going to kick ass.

    I know, I know… advice isn't always what you want to hear. I just feel so helpless on this end. You are an amazing person and have so much to give to the world and I know you have the capacity for a lot of joy. You deserve it. And I know it sucks, but you have to try to get there. People like us really have to put effort into changing our thinking and striving for peace and happiness because our default is self-defeating thoughts and rumination and helplessness. Have you tried meditation? I know you know the benefits of it, but I think a huge part of it that is useful to people like us is the ability to control thoughts. I don't know about you, but I often have incessant chatter in the back of my mind saying horrible things and assuming the worst and it is just so cruel. I am trying to learn not to just let my thoughts float away into destructive patterns and apparently meditation helps with that a lot.

    Love, please let me know if there is anything I can do. I am thinking of you.

    Love,
    K

    P.S. I'm sorry I took so long but I finally replied to your comment on my blog. How pathetic is this – I am getting depressed over a stupid guy. I'm such a mess.

    Like

  2. K, hun,

    I too wish we knew each other in person, I’m sure that would be awesome 🙂 But I fear you’d see just how awkward I actually am, meh!

    I knew I could count on you to understand the whole not having an identity thing. Being a medical student (or resident!) really consumes your life, doesn’t it? Lately I’ve been wallowing in my pain and self-pity, but at least I’ve kept myself relatively active. I (usually) go to the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, have art classes on Thursdays, therapy also gets me out of the house. I know I have to push myself, which is why I keep doing those things. Still, I know I’m not doing enough to counteract just how active medical school used to keep me.

    You know, I’ve thought about meditation. However, I have to overcome those initial thoughts of “Wtf am I doing? Being positive feels so fake and stupid.”… just like all the other positive changes I have to wrap my head around. Every now and then I try and practice a bit of mindfulness, so I guess that’s a good first step towards meditation and the like. But it takes a great deal of strength to take that huge step to really commit to those things, which I obviously haven’t done yet. I think the only positive thing I can get out of all the misery I’m in right now is that I can feel it bringing me closer to taking that huge step. So, hopefully, sooner rather than later, I’ll be posting that I took up meditation 🙂

    Like you said, people like us have our default set on negative. I really just have to try harder, and I know it 😦

    And please don’t feel helpless, trust me, you’re helping a lot. I mean, just by taking the time to read my ramblings, commenting, and having our little exchanges…it all means a lot to me and I always think through what you say, so thank you a million times. You’ve already done a lot for me without realizing it.

    Going over to your blog now 🙂

    Like

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