Today was a special day…in that it was especially shitty.
For the first time since I’ve been driving I hit a parked car and damaged one side of the rear bumper as I was trying to park my car (I hit the accelerator instead of the breaks). I left a note with my information and an apology, since there was no one in the car or close by.
However, I’ve been prey to my anxiety the whole freakin’ day because after I got back home I realized that in my panic at having hit the car I might not have pinched the note very well with the wiper, and the wind could have blown it away or something. And then I freaked out thinking that the people who were around maybe thought I was fleeing the scene and made note of my license plate because I had to park (close to the car I hit) to move out of the way, as I was blocking traffic in the parking lot. And then I started thinking about hit and runs, police, fines, jail…etc.
I’m letting the anxiety get a hold of me and I know it. Honestly, I really think the note somehow got lost. And it hasn’t helped that I haven’t received any calls from the car’s owner. Plus, there was a report of a hit and run in the news. I took a shower to try and relax, but it didn’t help much. Been asking myself again and again What are the odds of anything bad happening to you? to try and calm the anxiety monster. But really, I can’t stop ruminating. Ruminating…thoughts swirling in my head like little venomous snakes.
On top of that, M had to cancel today’s appointment. Strike 2.
So that was today…an anxiety fest. It sort of put depression on hold, which has been messing with me all these days. Jumped from one problem to another. *Sigh*
Changing subject…I had the strangest thing happen to me yesterday. I was having a really nasty headache for hours, suddenly got nauseous, and out of the blue I vomited. At one point I was prey to the “medical student hypochondria” and had fleeting thoughts of What if I’m having a subarachnoid hemorrhage and I’m slowly dying without realizing it? (In retrospect, I find that part hilarious.)
So, then I started thinking about how all these days I’ve been wishing I would somehow accidentally die, and I thought Well, what if this is it? And that’s where it got strange….because I was paralyzed with fear.
I think that was the first time in my life where I was so palpably afraid of death. And I thought: How is it that I can be constantly wishing for it to happen and then be in complete terror when possibly facing it? Wouldn’t a subarachnoid hemorrhage be exactly the type of accidental death I was wishing for?
I think the panic was out of not being able to control the situation and thinking that I wasn’t exactly “ready” at that moment to just go. It was obvious that I want to control everything, including my death.
However, after all those self-confrontational thoughts, I still had suicidal thoughts today after I crashed that car. The fear I felt yesterday did not dissuade all the thoughts of Just —- yourself already that I kept having while ruminating about being accused of a hit and run.
So, finally, this is today’s tally:
Much like Germany’s 7 to Brazil’s 1, except in my case I don’t have a single point in my favor to at least go to sleep with a wee bit of dignity.