Had a relatively nice 4th of July weekend. Spent it with family at a vacation-y apartment.
I unconsciously distracted myself from most everything going on in my life right now. But now I’m back home and the first thing that came to mind was that I have yet to find a new psychiatrist. And that made my delicate OK mood plummet.
But really, one of the things I realized during the weekend was that maybe one of the reasons for which I haven’t been doing well depression-wise is that MM is back home. You see, MM stayed home during the weekend and somehow, I felt a difference in my mood. A bit lifted.
My sister is a very intense person, and I guess that sort of spills onto me and affects me even though I’m not aware of it. I feel terrible for thinking that my bad mood somehow has to do with her, but it’s the truth. Maybe I was already used to the family dynamics between mom, dad, and I at home, that having MM back disrupts that and stresses me (until I grow accustomed to having her around again). Also, she’s not doing all too well herself, since her boyfriend is still in Country X and the different time-zones make communication difficult sometimes. In addition, she’s been closing in on herself on purpose (she told me this) because she wants to give the family as little information about herself as possible, so that we can’t use it against her as ammunition in some argument or such (which happens frequently).
So, while MM used to be her intense but bubbly and sometimes goofy self, now she’s still intense but very serious, quiet, and emotionally distant. And how have I responded to this? By closing in on myself and not telling her much about my personal things. I feel like there’s a thick wall between us, and sometimes we share stuff, but not as much as we used to.
It makes me feel so lonely. The two people who up until now were my pillars of support, M and MM, are, for very different reasons, distancing themselves from me. And unfortunately, I’ve responded by making that distance even larger.