Wringing my hands

Had my appointment with M on Tuesday. And I felt that I completely screwed up.

You see, it’s getting more and more difficult to open up to her like I used to. I don’t know why, maybe I’m putting up walls to protect myself from the pain of having her leave. I feel so many things at the same time that I end up getting mentally blocked in every appointment and saying things that I don’t have to be saying.

I feel frustrated because I can’t do anything about her leaving. At the same time, that provokes anger in me. Actually, I didn’t want to accept it but I even feel a bit angry with her because for the time being she won’t have a private practice where I could keep seeing her (selfish, I know). I feel a bit abandoned, because it’s inevitable. And I feel a despairing sadness because after so much time working on this, we have to cut ties. Despair, worry, anxiety…also positive things like gratitude. But the negatives predominate, by a lot.

And finally, I feel very lonely. I still haven’t gotten to that 100% comfortable point with G, while I’m starting to distance myself from M. So, I feel alone, and lost in my thoughts, because I’m not being genuine with any of them. Plus, I’m not talking much to my family. It’s like I’ve gone back a million steps.

In addition, I have yet to find a new psychiatrist. M recommended a few, but it seems like most of them I won’t be able to go to, for one reason or another. But, I have yet to eliminate 2 from the list, so there’s hope. My final resort would be to “shop” for random psychiatrists in the area who accept my insurance, and that doesn’t sound like fun at all.

So, in the end, how am I feeling? Frustrated and depressed. Things aren’t exactly turning out the way I was hoping they would.

Meanwhile, I’m pretty much on the fence about the leave of absence and questioning whether I should have done this. I have no responsibilities, and I wasn’t expecting that to be so difficult to deal with. I had big plans about scheduling my time and doing things that make me happy, but nothing makes me happy lately. Everything, including art classes, is a chore. Three months have gone by since the hospitalization…and I have yet to pick myself up and get my shit together.

My hospitalization feels like a distant, blurry memory, but I keep thinking back to the day I was discharged and how I felt like a clean slate. I was ok with that. But now what I feel is this horrible despair. I have no goals, no plans, nothing. At least medical school and everything it entailed kept me busy…but at the same time it kept me ignoring the pain I had inside.

I keep thinking about ending my life at some point before I’m due to go back to medical school. But honestly, I’d be doing it out of cowardice, out of fear of what the future holds or doesn’t hold for me. There’s just nothing that can fill up this terrible void I feel. I honestly don’t feel like a person anymore.

Despair. Really, that’s what it all boils down to. I wish I could just close my eyes and see clearly what’s wrong with me. If only life were that easy.

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