Stuck on one side of the continuum

It’s been two days straight that I’ve been feeling utterly depressed again.

I presume the reason I was feeling “weird” these past few days was because I was slowly falling and I didn’t realize that until today. I’m angry at myself because I should have seen this coming. But, it’s too late, and today and yesterday I’ve been feeling irritable, tired, lifeless, thinking about death…etc. etc. etc.

Almost counted pills last night but I consciously stopped myself. Resorted to estimating how many pills of so-and-so medication I had and to how many milligrams that translated. But then I thought about how horrible a death it would be, using that particular medication, and how I was honestly being foolish and just letting my automatic thoughts get a hold of me. So, I just went to sleep hoping today would be a better day.

But it wasn’t.

I’m starting to realize that this will probably be something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. And, although at this very moment I have zero goals for the future, I know deep down those goals are there, so I’m afraid of how this illness (for lack of a better word) will affect all that.

It’s scary…the prospect of living with this for the rest of my life. Sometimes I accept it and move on, but other times I can’t fathom feeling like this many more times in the future. Of course, I know I shouldn’t try to predict the future, but I’m being realistic here, for the sake of my “sanity”. Accepting that this will probably happen again in the future makes it easier to deal with when the time comes, almost turning it into a task like brushing my teeth or taking showers. I know it’s sad, but it’s better than having your hopes crushed each time the darkness decides to come back.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. There’s no obvious trigger. Maybe it was my sister coming back home, or maybe it’s the complete absence of medical school from my life right now.

Sometimes I wonder what “normal” people feel, whether they know how this misery feels or just what they feel on a daily basis. Ignorance is bliss.

So today I’ll go to sleep with 50% of my thoughts dedicated to wishing I never woke up again, and the other 50% dedicated to hoping tomorrow is a better day. One of the post-it quotes I wrote down was “Sun can’t shine every goddamn day”. It reminds me that we humans aren’t supposed to be happy all the time, that our emotions oscillate in an “emotion continuum”, and that it’s perfectly fine to have bad days.

It just so happens that my bad days are more frequent.

*Sigh*

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