Floating

I don’t remember these past four days very well. I guess I’ve been very emotionally detached, for some reason. However, a lot has happened.

So I saw M on Wednesday. It was a good appointment and I cried a bit, yet if I hadn’t been so mentally blocked I would have been bawling. Lately it’s becoming harder and harder to speak to M. I hate it because I end up feeling like I’m wasting her time and that I’m keeping a lot of things to myself.

Then I finally got around to writing down those positive message post-its that G told me to do. I put them in my room but I have yet to force myself to read them every day. But at least they’re there, and I put one foot forward towards being positive.

I enrolled in painting classes a few weeks ago, and on Thursday I had my second class. Strangely enough, I don’t look forward to Thursdays. I guess it’s probably because I have no inspiration…yet.

I had the strangest thing happen to me on Wednesday. I was going to take a picture with my phone and when I turned on the camera I realized it was set on the front camera. But before changing it to the camera on the back of the phone I stopped and noticed my face in the screen. I didn’t have any makeup on and my hair was all tied back, yet I had this sudden thought: “I’m pretty.”

Wait…me? Thinking I’m…pretty? I don’t even remember when was the last time I looked at myself and didn’t have a single thing to criticize.

The rest of the day I kept thinking I was “pretty”, and I looked at old pictures of myself and thought that maybe my body isn’t all that bad…that maybe those 15 extra pounds look better on me than I think.

However, these feelings were only fleeting. On Thursday I started getting anxious out of the anticipation of going to the beach with a close friend the next day. This friend is stick thin, which I was back in the day, so looking at her is always a trigger…because inevitably I’ll always look heavier than her. I didn’t know whether to wear a bikini or a one-piece swimsuit I have (that I love). The last time I wore a bikini was in August of last year.

Finally, when I was getting ready yesterday morning, I settled on a bikini. But I felt disgusting. And when I took off my pants and shirt at the beach I couldn’t help but feel like a whale. And, I kept looking sideways at my friend, comparing myself. I wanted to cover myself up so bad.

So today I’m back to feeling like a disgusting fat ass and trying a bit to control my eating. *Sigh*

I’ve also been getting a lot of death-related fantasies/suicidal thoughts these days. Nothing serious, just the fleeting sort of thoughts I’ve always had to deal with. They got pretty strong on Thursday when at one point I was lying naked on the floor of my bedroom, feeling very sad and alone. I started thinking about how I would like to be in a relationship. I feel so lonely these days.

Also, I’ve been struggling with this feeling of not having serious responsibilities at the moment and not studying. It feels so weird and foreign to me. I don’t like it, yet I’m afraid of getting used to it. It’s scary how far from medicine I’ve felt lately, which brings me to the conclusion that maybe I like it more than I think I do. (Which is a welcome thought, by the way.)

It’s really strange how I feel…like a shadow of me, like I’m just floating in the air and somehow this body has kept doing my day-to-day things. It’s unpleasant. I want to feel like I’m actually living.

Oh! I also went out with friends yesterday night…to actual bars…to actually drink. It’s embarrassing to admit that was the first time in my life I’d ever gone out to bars with friends. I mean, I’d done it before, just…not with friends, or in a completely different context that was not just having fun on a night out. I am so developmentally behind when it comes to social things…it’s actually quite sad.

Then today, my sister MM, left Country X and came back to the US on a one-way ticket. But the one thing that really surprised me was that as soon as I hugged her at the airport I could feel a change in my personality that I didn’t like. Like an even more serious version of myself.

I don’t know, like I said before, I’ve been feeling weird. Sorry this post was all over the place.

I’ll leave you with the list of post-it quotes I have for now. Each one has a different meaning to me and applies to different aspects of my life:

  • “Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to. But it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.”
  • “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
  • “Is there a reason for what you are doing?”
  • “Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone.”
  • “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”
  • “We all first have to find a passion, to do something for no other reason than because we love it.”
  • “The changes we dread most may contain our salvation.”
  • “I am strong. I have made it through a lot in the past year alone. I can make it through this too. I can make it through anything.”
  • “Sun can’t shine every goddamn day.”
  • “Someday, you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen.”
  • “You did a terrible thing. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person.”
  • “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
  • “There is still fire in your soul. There is still life in your dreams.”
  • “Ironically, it is usually those doctors who are the most competent and conscientious who feel the most sense of failure and pain.”
  • “Don’t give up what you want most, for what you want now.”
  • “I will believe in you even if no one else does. Even if you don’t believe in yourself.” (This one reminds me of something M said in this week’s appointment that inevitably made me cry.)
  • “The greatest revenge is to accomplish what others say you cannot do. So go out and do it.”
  • And, my personal favorite… “I am enough”
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