I feel really weird today.
Went to the dentist in the morning. Was told I have beautiful hair and perfect skin. “Thank you,” I said. “You’re still an ugly idiot,” said the voice in my head.
Then I had lunch at home, which made me feel horrible because I felt I ate too much. And, like I mentioned in the previous post, lately feeling full makes me feel nauseous and like I want to vomit.
In the afternoon I had my appointment with G. But before that, I tried going to this art supply store that I like because it carries the acrylic paint brand I like most. To no avail, because I was heartbroken to find out that the store closed and the windows were boarded up. So, since I was 5 minutes away from G’s office, I just went there and spent a chunk of time reading in the waiting area.
And then I saw G. It was a good appointment. I feel I’m finally opening up to her like I do with M (although I’m still not 100% there yet). At one point I was talking to her about how I’m really sad because M is leaving, and she mentioned that naturally, the relationship I have with her (G) is going to be different from the one I have with M.
Which got me thinking about just how different G and M are, on many different aspects. But the one that strikes me the most is that, while M doesn’t talk much to me about herself, G seems to not mind a little self-disclosure. It’s…refreshing, I guess. Either way, just like I do with M I don’t ask G anything that might be mistaken as intruding in her personal life. That’s a no-no. But I guess having her volunteer a little about herself makes me feel more at ease about spilling all my secrets and inner workings to her.
And so, because I want to reach with G the point of 100% trust I’ve reached with M, I decided to tell her about my eating habits lately. For some reason I was thinking about not telling her this week until after I told M, but I thought that’s just pointless, and simply blurted it out.
Unfortunately, I have to confess I don’t remember much of what she said from that point on, because I was kind of anxious about having exposed myself. I felt like a criminal admitting that she’s guilty. But I guess I told her because I prefer her knowing everything that’s going on with me, just like with M. I think therapy is pointless if I’m not disclosing myself fully or lying.
However, I do know she again stressed just how important it is for me to start making a conscious effort to think positive, and the different things I can do to achieve that. I feel like the lousiest patient, really. Sometimes I think I’m not trying hard enough.
I just…don’t understand myself. I’m supposed to be stress-free and anxiety-free, considering I’m on a leave of absence. Yet there seems to always be this baseline of higher stress than average within me, and I can’t shake it off. I was thinking a while ago that it probably has a lot to do with my negative thoughts. If I don’t get rid of the negative thoughts related to my perceived failures and such, I’m never going to get better.
Negative, negative, negative. Fucking shit. Why am I so fucking negative? I’m in my twenties, I’m supposed to be enjoying myself and exploring life for shits and giggles. I’m sick of hating myself, yet I’m afraid of liking myself because the thought that I’m not likeable has been ingrained in the deep recesses of my mind.
I think I’m finally going to get around to writing down those positive messages in post-its. I’ve had enough of this shit.