I passed the Ob/Gyn final exam re-take!
That means I passed the Ob/Gyn rotation, and I don’t have to see vaginas on a daily basis ever again!
I was elated yesterday when I received the email from the rotation coordinator. I felt really good about myself.
But then today came along and for some reason I’ve felt down all day. I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I don’t know, all day something has been off. You see, my problem is this:
I’m too much of a perfectionist.
I swear, most of my immediate, stress-inducing problems stem from that itty-bitty detail. My mind keeps thinking: You passed the Ob/Gyn test…but that doesn’t change the fact that you won’t graduate with your closest friends and that you had to take time off. And today it was worse because I saw my two close friends from med school, so having them talk about their plans and such made me feel down.
It’s terribly frustrating. I can’t stand it anymore. Perfectionism is literally destroying my life, destroying me. But the problem is…I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to be more flexible, more accepting, and easier on myself, because I’ve never been that way, so I don’t know how it feels or how I’m supposed to go about it.
But I’m sick of it all. I’m tired and I just want to be able to see the positives in me and the things I’ve accomplished; like getting my college degree and getting into med school, being able to make it until third year, passing Step 1, making it through my ups and downs… Instead I keep focusing on the things I wasn’t able to do, or my perceived failures.
You know, G told me a few weeks ago that I should put positive messages on post-its and put them on a mirror in my room. She also told me to make up a positive mantra and recite it to myself every day when I wake up. I haven’t gotten around to doing it because I’m so goddamn lazy, but at the same time there’s this annoying factoid keeping me from writing down those messages or making up a mantra. And the factoid is…
I’ve always felt like such an idiot when I surround myself with good things, good messages, and positive attitudes.
I don’t know why I feel that way, why I must spoil all the good things in my life with negative thoughts. It’s as though the belief that life is bad has been deeply ingrained within me. For every positive thought that comes to mind, there’s a sarcastic “Yeah, right” putting it down. Feeling good, feeling happy, is so foreign to me that I feel the need to erase those positive feelings because they make me feel “fake”. And I don’t just leave it at that, but whenever I see perpetually happy people I make a mental note that they’re “cliched idiots”.
But they’re not the idiots. I’m the idiot.
Yet I don’t know how to change all this.