The good and the bad

Father’s day today.

So like I mentioned in the previous post, this past Monday I had a conversation with Y’s girlfriend. She came home to visit because she was close by and had lunch with mom and I. Somehow we ended up talking about careers, money, and traveling, and I expressed my frustration at knowing that I won’t have a paycheck on my hands until maybe 2016.

She explained to me how she had to take some time off during her years at law school (she’s a lawyer). She said at that time she had trouble with clinical depression and other personal issues, and that it was a difficult decision to make. However, she said, it proved to be the best decision she’s ever made because she fell in love again with that career (after thinking she would be dropping out). In addition, she spoke to me about how law school is just like med school in that it’s a small environment where everyone is in other people’s business, and how she used to think that she was “the weak one” for taking time off. She told me that in the end, no one really cares when you graduate, or how you finish your degree. And she also told me how barely anyone fulfills that naive plan we perfectionists have of going to college, then to graduate school, and then landing a job and having a family/life and whatnot.

It’s kind of funny because I don’t know how many people have already told me these things, but it wasn’t until now that they finally sunk in. It made me feel positive, and it took a huge weight off my shoulders, because she is a living, breathing example of exactly the same thing I’m going through. Granted, it’s not the same career, but it’s a similar one. What struck me the most was that she had the same insecurities I am having right now, and for someone who’s just as perfectionist as I am to tell me that it’s going to be ok…well, it got to me.

So, I’m trying to keep up that positive attitude since Monday. I’ve had a few setbacks, but I try to go back to that conversation to calm myself down.

In spite of all that, however, I’ve still been feeling down, but it’s mainly because of something that happened with M. I saw M on Tuesday, and we had a good session as usual. However, at the end of the session, she expressed some concerns she had.

Since a long time ago, M has been recording our sessions (with my permission) to discuss my case with her supervisor. A while ago I had asked her whether I could also record the sessions because she tells me a lot of important things during therapy that I keep forgetting, and I feel it has made my progress stall. However, she told me she didn’t feel very comfortable with that, so I left it at that.

Still, during the month of May I took it upon me to record about four sessions because I was so frustrated with my lack of progress and I wanted to write down the important things we discuss in therapy. I did this behind her back (I know, I know…).

However, I started feeling terribly guilty because I never lie to M, and I never do anything behind her back. So I confessed to her what I had been up to and told her I was deeply sorry for having done that. She seemed to take it fine at the time.

Now, imagine my surprise when she told me at the end of Tuesday’s session that when I confessed her about my wrongdoings she initially felt angry, but then tried to analyze exactly why I had done it. I explained to her that it was purely out of wanting to get better, not more or less, that I had already deleted the recordings and that I wouldn’t do it again. She said she felt hurt at the time, and we discussed how it’s important for me to take into consideration her feelings too.

So since then I’ve felt terrible because I made M feel hurt. I made one of the most important people in my life feel hurt. I feel like such an inconsiderate brat. And now I don’t know how to make it up to her. I mean, I said I was sorry, but I don’t think that was enough. And for this to happen now that she’s soon to leave, well, it’s not helping. I don’t want her to take away a bad impression of me after so much time in this therapeutic relationship, after so much that we’ve worked through.

I feel so sad, and like a bad person…and I know I want to address it in the next session this Thursday, because I want to make sure that things between us are ok.

I just can’t believe I made M hurt. I honestly feel like the most disgusting and horrible person ever, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for making her feel that way.

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