I’m having a bit of an identity crisis.
Actually, “a bit” is a terrible understatement. This last week has been pretty difficult. I can even notice a change in my diary entries. And I’m very stressed, which isn’t helping at all. Actually, I feel very down today.
For some reason the idea of being a doctor feels so foreign to me right now. I’ve thought maybe it’s because I’m currently studying for the ObGyn test re-take, and I hate ObGyn. But it freaks me out to think that it might be something deeper than that.
When I was younger, late in high school and during college, I felt that I had purpose in life. I had dreams, goals, plans for the future….but now I have none of that. I don’t see myself being anything, having any career. I know this sounds ridiculous, especially since a few days ago I was thinking I wanted to be a psychiatrist, but now it all seems so distant. I don’t imagine myself being anything, honestly.
Maybe I’m just having a bad day, maybe depression is beating me up today. I don’t know. I just know that it’s proving ridiculously difficult to write this post, I’m trying not to cry, and what I’m feeling is very, very, very intense.
Before, I used to be “the skinny one”, “the smart one”, “the straight-A student”, and most recently “the medical student”. But now I have none of that. So, I’m left literally feeling like “nothing”. I feel so empty it hurts. It’s a slow torture. It makes me feel like death is my only option.
I feel so far away from everything and everyone, immersed in my own little self-deprecating world. I had a bit of respite from my negative thoughts for a few days there, but now they’re back. I haven’t shared my thoughts with my family or close friends, because I feel they won’t understand and I’ll just be a weight on their shoulders. But it hurts so much to keep this all to myself and feel so alone. M would want me to branch out to other people, but how can I, knowing that none of what others say will help make me feel better? I mean, my own sister has told me she doesn’t know what else to say to me anymore, so why would I bother telling her or anyone else anything??
I feel everything is out of my control. My weight, my “career”, my emotions, my day-to-day life…everything is out of my control. This terrible limbo is killing me. I can’t deal with this uncertainty. I need facts, goals, a future. But I have none of that. I’m completely hopeless today, and it makes me feel death is the only option. I see no escape from this misery. Everywhere I go I carry it like a thorny backpack sewed on to my shoulders.
I know a lot of this would be less painful if I started “believing in myself”. But I don’t remember when was the last time I did that. Does “myself” even exist anymore? I don’t think so.
I am in so much pain. I am hurting. I can’t deal.