Where are my feelings?

I have a lot of stress in my head. Can’t seem to get rid of it.

So this week I’ve been studying for the ObGyn final exam re-take, which is scheduled for June 13th. I still haven’t received word from my school about the leave of absence, so I began studying just in case. Naturally, that has me pretty stressed.

But really I think my high levels of stress are due to being out of school and career-related. Can’t seem to shake that stuff off. Honestly, at this rate, I’m starting to think I’ll never be able to shake off the insecurities.

I saw G on Tuesday. She had previously asked me to write down a list of sad or unpleasant experiences I’ve had in my short life and we discussed it. When I finished describing the experiences, which took the whole session, she said that now she understands why I was referred for “possible” BPD. But she says she doesn’t like labels (just like M) because she doesn’t want me somehow holding on to the BPD as an identity.

I forgot to mention here that 2 weeks ago M increased my dose of Wellbutrin to 450mg. I don’t know if it’s kind of premature, but I think it’s been doing something. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel like rock-bottom.

And really, I don’t feel great due to a mix of things. Studying for ObGyn hasn’t been helping because when I’m studying I put my feelings and “me” on hold. So, I’ve been feeling very numb. Also, I didn’t see M this week and that never leaves me feeling good. I feel like she doesn’t even exist, and I know that as much as I’ll try not to, I’ll be very distant when I see her next week.

On top of that, I know M is leaving soon, so sessions with her have been a bit different, or at least I feel that way. They feel more like a race against time and a failed attempt at closure than therapy. As for G, I still don’t feel 100% comfortable with her. So, I feel pretty lonely honestly.

But instead of feeling it all out, I’ve been numbing myself somehow. I’m terrified of M leaving, yet the thought hasn’t really sunk in. I’m terrified of how all of this is going to play out. And I’m terrified of not finding a psychiatrist as great as her.

I fear losing my relationship with M so much.

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