Memorial Day weekend…what a weekend.
I’m starting to think that I’ve been taking steps back recovery-wise. Feeling like all that progress I had made before getting hospitalized has gone straight to the trash. My emotions are all over the place and my anger difficult to control. And this only results in more pain, more suffering, and more evidence of the fact that I’m a terrible person.
Had an argument with my mom on Saturday. The reason was stupid, really; and I’m pretty sure it was my fault (then again, I blame myself for most everything at the end of the day). After arguing with her I went to my room to just breath. But then I heard her talking to my dad about me, so I listened to what she was saying.
The parts I was able to catch were about my “attitude”, about how my sister MM is just like me, about how I went through bullying but that back in her day “everybody went through bullying”. She also mentioned she doesn’t want me to go to some doctors convention my dad and her are going to in September (my dad had offered me to go). Finally, to my horror, she mentioned borderline personality disorder.
I felt terrible because she basically invalidated my being bullied in the past. Back in the day not a single person defended me when it was happening, and now, as you can see, not even my mother defends me. And it really hurt that she said she didn’t want me to go to the convention in September because she was essentially saying “I don’t want to be with her”.
But the one that most got to me was the part about BPD. I’ve never told her about my BPD diagnosis, so I assumed M told her in the appointment they had together. I felt so….betrayed by M. Very hurt.
Then today I wasn’t in my most sunniest of moods. My sister Y and my brother came to visit us. At one point Y told me something that absolutely pissed me off, so from then on I barely interacted with the family the rest of the day.
But what really hurt was that nobody wanted to know my side of the story. Nobody was interested in what I was feeling (except dad). They just assumed I was being a bitch and said shit about me behind my back (but I could hear them all along).
I just feel so hurt, damn it. I’m tired of having to take shit from everyone. I’m tired of feeling like my mother’s favorite is Y because she’s so “mature” and independent. Meanwhile, my mommy dearest calls me immature and insinuates that I’m pathetic for not being independent. Thank you, mom.
All this on top of still feeling like a failure about medical school, on top of all the stress I’m feeling because I still don’t know if my leave of absence was approved…
It’s all becoming too much.
Sorry for the rant.