Back to basics

Memorial Day weekend…what a weekend.

I’m starting to think that I’ve been taking steps back recovery-wise. Feeling like all that progress I had made before getting hospitalized has gone straight to the trash. My emotions are all over the place and my anger difficult to control. And this only results in more pain, more suffering, and more evidence of the fact that I’m a terrible person.

Had an argument with my mom on Saturday. The reason was stupid, really; and I’m pretty sure it was my fault (then again, I blame myself for most everything at the end of the day). After arguing with her I went to my room to just breath. But then I heard her talking to my dad about me, so I listened to what she was saying.

The parts I was able to catch were about my “attitude”, about how my sister MM is just like me, about how I went through bullying but that back in her day “everybody went through bullying”. She also mentioned she doesn’t want me to go to some doctors convention my dad and her are going to in September (my dad had offered me to go). Finally, to my horror, she mentioned borderline personality disorder.

I felt terrible because she basically invalidated my being bullied in the past. Back in the day not a single person defended me when it was happening, and now, as you can see, not even my mother defends me. And it really hurt that she said she didn’t want me to go to the convention in September because she was essentially saying “I don’t want to be with her”.

But the one that most got to me was the part about BPD. I’ve never told her about my BPD diagnosis, so I assumed M told her in the appointment they had together. I felt so….betrayed by M. Very hurt.

Then today I wasn’t in my most sunniest of moods. My sister Y and my brother came to visit us. At one point Y told me something that absolutely pissed me off, so from then on I barely interacted with the family the rest of the day.

But what really hurt was that nobody wanted to know my side of the story. Nobody was interested in what I was feeling (except dad). They just assumed I was being a bitch and said shit about me behind my back (but I could hear them all along).

I just feel so hurt, damn it. I’m tired of having to take shit from everyone. I’m tired of feeling like my mother’s favorite is Y because she’s so “mature” and independent. Meanwhile, my mommy dearest calls me immature and insinuates that I’m pathetic for not being independent. Thank you, mom.

All this on top of still feeling like a failure about medical school, on top of all the stress I’m feeling because I still don’t know if my leave of absence was approved…

It’s all becoming too much.

Sorry for the rant.

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3 comments
  1. Anonymous said:

    Dear
    Sorry I haven't taken the time to check on you. I've been dealing with a visit from my younger brother who must think his mission in life is to point out everyone else's faulty logic and give his (unsolicited and unwanted) opinion. Family are such a major, fucking pain in the ass. At least I like my little sister. But I digress. I hear what you are saying and feel for you. You sound absolutely miserable and I'm so sorry for you. Sometimes it's hard to figure out why we keep trying. But, please know that you are smart, caring, and have a lot to offer the world. Don't let anyone else's bullshit convince you otherwise. Keep writing and keep us in the loop. Maybe we can help each other. Doc.

    Like

  2. Hello Love,

    I'm so sorry I've been out of touch. I normally read your blog religiously but I've kinda zoned out a bit lately… Getting really, really lazy before I have to work for real 😦

    How have you been feeling lately? Any word from your school? I hope this helps, but I know plenty of people who took leave of absences from school, and better yet, nobody asks them why. We assume it's personal and none of our business!

    Sorry things have been difficult with your family. Family can be such a source of stress! And even if you grow mentally, it's so so SO easy to fall back into a dysfunctional dynamic when you're around them. I kind of had an epiphany the other day about why I ended up being such a needy person with fears of abandonment, and – surprise!! – it's mainly because of my dad, but my mom definitely contributed. I don't know if you read my response to comment on my blog, but I mentioned that I read a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy workbook on my trip and was a bit disappointed… I felt like I was already doing most of the things they suggested to regulate mood and counter strong emotions. Have you ever read any self-help books like that?

    Anyways, hope you are doing ok and hope to hear from you soon!

    xoxo,
    K

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  3. Hey Doc,

    No need to apologize! 😉

    Ahh, family. So sorry you had to deal with your brother's opinions. That's so annoying, having a sibling thinking they know you better than you do. Just press that big red IGNORE button in your head.

    Thank you for saying I'm “smart, caring, and have a lot to offer the world”. It means a lot to me. I have such a difficult time accepting the positives in me, and having you say those things really helps. A lot. Just remember, that you are also an amazing person, and you too have a lot to offer the world 😉 I'm sure one day we'll be able to believe and simply know in our hearts that we are truly good.

    Hope to hear more of you

    Like

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