Today has been so low honestly.
My moods have been so unpredictable lately, and this week has been no exception. On Monday I woke up with an incredibly elevated mood, a clear mind, and a positive attitude about the leave of absence and my career. Then as the day progressed, I slowly started going down.
Then yesterday I had lunch with my brother, which ended up leaving me with a bittersweet feeling because I ate too much and felt like a cow. My mood just kept going lower and lower, until finally I woke up today desperate and without any will to live.
So, naturally, I wasted my time away today. It didn’t help that I had a headache most of the day and neck pain because apparently I pulled a neck muscle during today’s workout at the gym. And it also didn’t help that the day was cloudy. But things really took a turn after I had a nasty argument with my mom.
The reason we argued was so stupid, really. She was angry at something else and started talking to me in an elevated tone. I told her to calm down, which I knew would be a serious mistake, but since she’s supposedly open to change lately, I took a chance. To no avail, really; she got more angry. So then I got really angry and ended up shouting at her. And, naturally, I ended up being the bad guy and she started talking about how I have an attitude…blah blah blah.
Instead of doing something self-destructive to take care of my incredible anger, I decided to write in my diary:
This argument reminded me too much of that other argument we had before I ended up at the hospital (see this post). I felt like telling her that the triggers that caused me to end up at the hospital were her fucking moods and the argument we had about the dogs. But that would only result in her crying alone and then me feeling guilty and having “evidence” of the fact that I am a bad person. Either way, it’s not like I need evidence that I am a bad person. I already think that of myself.
The only thing this family points out to me are the negatives in me. The positives, if there ever were any, they barely ever gave any importance. No wonder I think I’m shit…shit person, shit daughter.
But at the same time I have conflicting feelings about this, because I feel I’m putting all the blame on others as to why I’m a bad person. What if I was born this way? Bad. Damaged.
I want to die. Really, that’s what I want right now. Die. Disappear. Not feel pain, nor have thoughts about me being “bad”. Just…stop existing. That would solve every single problem…because I’m the problem. I’ve always been the problem.
Now I just feel like some depressed blob. A depressed-failed-medical-student-blob. I know that’s irrational thoughts right there, but I can’t help myself.
The only positive I can find in these last three days is that I’ve felt more convinced that I want to finish medical school and do psychiatry. However, I keep thinking about all the bullshit board exams, the process of applying to residency, the interviews, the having to somehow outshine other students when I do my psychiatry sub-internship…plus the fact that I haven’t really finished third year because I have yet to do pediatrics and re-take those Ob/Gyn and internal medicine tests. It’s all so overwhelming.
But I know I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. I should be thinking about recovery and working as much as I can on myself during this time (although I have yet to hear on whether my plead for a leave of absence was approved…).
I don’t know. Today was the result of a mix of feeling utterly depressed and external circumstances.
I should somehow get my shit together for tomorrow.