I just spent about 2 hours reading all the posts I wrote on this blog since I began third year of medical school. Wow….just….wow.
The reason I did that was initially to see if I could gather some insight on whether I like medicine or not. You see, since two days ago I’ve been considering the idea of quitting altogether. I’m not making a decision here, I’m just…trying to gather some insight into myself so that down the road I can make an informed decision whether I decide to stay or go.
A lot of things come to mind. Mainly, that I set myself up for disaster since the Ob/Gyn rotation….that I was so focused on feeling like a failure and on the guy I had a crush on back then, that when it was time to do Psychiatry I just let it breeze by. Also, this whole year has been an incredible test, and I feel like my progress in therapy stalled because I was too focused on the wrong things. Looking back, I was a pressure cooker about to explode. I think my hospitalization was inevitable in a way.
My conclusion after going through all those posts is that I harbor an interest in patient care. There’s a sort of high you get when you build decent rapport with a patient that I don’t know how to explain. However, I was so caught up in my unpredictable moods and insecurities that I didn’t make the most of my time in rotations.
The reason I’m so philosophical is because I spoke with my sister MM on skype today and had a pseudo-argument-type-of-conversation with her. I had so many feelings and I ended up blowing off some steam with her. Bless her, she was only there to listen.
It just left me wondering why I’m doing medicine in the first place. It made me think that I should give myself a chance to explore other areas. Namely, things that are more related to art than medicine. Things that make me feel like a human being, rather than making me feel like the image of perfection that my irrational mind so strives for.
Which is why, I’m officially announcing, finally, that I’ll be asking for a leave of absence tomorrow. And I feel fine with that decision (of course there’s the fact that the school administrators have to approve it, but I highly doubt they won’t).
I think it’s time that I apply to myself the advice I’ve given others on here….to STOP, to calm down, to not let myself get caught up in the high of emotions. I think I have to start looking more at the big picture than the insignificant minutiae of day-to-day life.
And I have a lot to work on, therapy-wise. My negative thoughts have gotten to a tipping point. I literally cannot keep living like this. Only yesterday I realized that practically ALL my thoughts are negative. I wasn’t like this, not to this extreme.
Somehow I feel a bit calm now. I want to keep it up.