Depression beat me today.
Woke up early to go to the gym with my sister Y and sister-in-law. Since the moment I woke up, I already knew things were going to be difficult. And I honestly didn’t do anything to make things better during the day. Spent the whole day sleeping, moping around, isolating, irritable, with negative thoughts in my head including thoughts of death. Then in the afternoon I was feeling nauseous.
It makes me feel like crap because I had a few ok days, and now this happens. But in all honesty, the problems began yesterday.
So, what happened yesterday? Yesterday I had the appointment with the psychologist in the morning. It went ok. I think I like her, at least after only two appointments. It was mainly her talking about how negative thoughts affect me, after I gave her last appointment’s assignment, which consisted of identifying negative thoughts during these two weeks that passed.
I’ve already become pretty good at identifying negative thoughts thanks to M, so I didn’t really find much of a benefit in that exercise. She then gave me three assignments for next appointment: a small questionnaire, to continue the negative thoughts list, and to make a list of bad experiences I’ve had in my life. However, I can’t help but still feel uncomfortable with her. I think a wall is palpable both on my side and on her side.
In the afternoon, I had my appointment with M. Second week straight that I feel I wasted her time. For some reason I was putting up a wall with her. Obviously it was to protect myself from feeling something, but at the moment I had no idea what it was. I was so mentally blocked during the appointment. I couldn’t help but feel terrible afterward and like I had set myself behind in some form.
Then, at night, I just broke down crying because I kind of had a hunch as to why I was so blocked and putting up a wall. I think I was trying to protect myself from the emotions that come with thinking that she’s leaving at the end of August and that time is ticking fast. I haven’t dealt with this, I’ve just been ignoring it unconsciously. So today I left a message for her to call me so I could apologize, and also because I needed a medical certificate for the leave of absence. But she didn’t call me back.
All of that resulted in the mess that was today. I had a thousand things in my head, but I didn’t deal with the thoughts, I just let them consume me. Big mistake. I kept judging myself for (finally) making the decision to ask for a leave of absence. Yeah, I decided towards that because the list of pros seemed more appealing, and the cons seemed kind of frivolous (except for having to explain the leave down the road if I apply for residency). But I didn’t turn in the papers for the leave because I needed M’s medical certificate. So that delays the process yet another day.
Honestly, right now, I don’t feel at all sound with that decision. I keep criticizing myself, and while the plans I had of taking dance classes, art, and whatnot, seemed very appealing a few days ago, now they just seem ridiculous. Why? Because I felt so depressed today that I could barely get myself out of bed, so I kept thinking How the hell am I going to get anything done during the leave if I am so hopelessly depressed?
On top of all this, I think I have a bit of a somatization problem right now, which I’ve never had. I’ve had these random bouts of feeling nauseated on different days since a while ago, and it wasn’t until today that I realized it might have to do with all the stress I’m undergoing. I doubt it’s the Wellbutrin, because it didn’t happen when I began this new medication, and I’m most definitely not pregnant.
In the outside, it might not seem like I’m stressed. But in the inside I’m a mess. Tomorrow I’m supposed to get my hair cut. Don’t feel like doing it. Then on Friday I’m supposed to have lunch with a childhood friend. Don’t feel like doing it.
I don’t feel like doing anything. What I want to do is vomit and get all of these emotions out from inside of me, because all they’re doing is causing me stress and desperation. I don’t want to be like this the rest of my life. Wrote that in my diary earlier today.
Yes. Vomit and keep vomiting. Emotional vomit.
I’ll probably cry in the shower today.