"…the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out"

I’ve written so many drafts and deleted so many sentences in the past hour. I didn’t want to write about my day and what I’m thinking, but I guess there’s no way escaping it. I’ll leave the more philosophical posts for when I feel better. I’m sorry if this post makes no sense in the end.

The truth is, I feel pretty bad. Yet there’s still some hope within me. I keep thinking that tomorrow is my appointment with M (finally), and that sort of brings my mood up. However, tomorrow is just one day, and after that I’ll have to deal with Wednesday all on my own.

I’m tired of constantly going from one extreme to the other mood-wise. Each day is a chronicle of ups and downs (mostly downs). It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating. My days were not like this before being hospitalized. I’ve thoughts it’s maybe because I’m still in that limbo-period from being switched to Wellbutrin. I’ve thought that maybe this is what my emotions were like before getting medicated, but I don’t even remember what my emotions were like back then.

But I attribute it mostly to the fact that I feel overwhelmed…with everything. There’s just too much noise in my head. This is what my head sounds like today: 

What are you going to do, take a leave of absence or continue in August? What are you going to do about the internal medicine practical exam that you have to repeat? And what about the ObGyn written exam that you also have to repeat? You have to study for that soon. You’re fucking fat. Take a long nap, spend the day sleeping. They were all right about you, you know, the taunts, the bullying back in high school, they were right: you ended up a crazy, fucked-up failure. Whatever you decide regarding medical school, remember you have to go there and sort things out, do the paperwork, etc. The enrollment period for next year begins tomorrow, since you haven’t decided yet what you’re going to do you should enroll in your respective classes. While your friends are choosing what rotations to do in fourth year, you’re deciding whether to take a leave of absence. You’re a fucking fat failure.

As you probably noticed, most of those thoughts are related to medical school. I’m tired of being in a fucking limbo, not knowing what I’m going to do, but I recognize that that’s my own fault for being so undecided. Mainly, my problem is feeling like a failure. I can’t get past it.

Let me spit out all my irrational thoughts…I feel like a failure for choosing to not continue with the pediatrics rotation. I feel like a failure because I was hospitalized. I feel like a failure for fantasizing with a leave of absence at the end of third year, after being so close to the finish line. I feel like a failure because at the moment I’m not doing anything medical school related. I feel like a failure because I was able to handle medical school with depression for 3 solid years, but then out of the blue I get hospitalized and screw up everything.

Irrational, much?

I find the part about “not doing anything medical school related” hilarious. When I’m studying I’m stressed, and when I’m not, I’m also stressed. I went from being a 100% medical student to being nothing in one day.  After 3 years of medical school being my life, and having suddenly stopped everything, I now feel lost and at a loss as to what to do with myself. But then the sad part is that I try to do something like painting or exercising, and I feel like it’s a waste of my time. It’s like you can take the girl out of medical school, but you can’t take the medical school out of the girl. I’m still in that goddamned “workaholic” mindset.

And that’s only the part related to medical school. I have a whole other set of irrational and negative thoughts related to my personal life. Thoughts about how I’m causing my parents so much suffering and how I feel guilty for being depressed.

You know, I had a small argument with my mom this morning. She ended up asking me why I want her to change, why I focus so much on her, and I told her “Because you affect me”. A few minutes later I heard her crying in the kitchen.

I’ve turned into a monster, I really have. I should be put down. Maybe then my mind will shut up.

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2 comments
  1. Anonymous said:

    Sorry to hear that you're still feeling bad….Have you tried DBT with M? I don't have BPD (although I honestly think I fit many of the criteria!) but I have dabbled in DBT and actually found that it helped some, which is unusual because most therapies don't really do much for me. There's a book called Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life that I liked, and there are a few websites that I'm sure you can find if you google them. I find that sometimes when I get triggered and feel REALLY bad it's a matter of finding a way to get through and letting the feeling die down–not that it ever completely goes away but it fades and becomes more bearable. Also, I found support groups to be pretty helpful, more so than individual therapy because the people were actually going through what I was going through and could relate. Even if they couldn't help me, just having others to commiserate with helped.
    -Azure

    Like

  2. Hey Azure,

    You know I've never tried DBT. M is still in training, so she probably has little to no exposure to DBT. I really don't know if there's anyone in my area who does DBT. For now I think that whatever M is doing, if it has a name, is working. I've just been having some very difficult weeks lately where I get sidetracked a lot. It would be interesting to try it out though.

    I'll definitely look into that book. The title speaks to me, haha! And about support groups, M mentioned it to me once, but we never really got around to fitting anything into my treatment. I'm not very open to the idea because I'm very shy in real life and being in groups always makes me want to hide in a corner. However, at hospital I had group therapy, and that sort of made me loosen up a bit, I guess? I'll have to reconsider. Thanks for suggesting it.

    Take care,

    Like

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