Wow, this week began on such a good note, but then things took a turn yesterday.
I received an email from the internal medicine rotation coordinator asking whether I would be repeating the internal medicine practical test on Monday 28th. I responded to her email with a ridiculously polite message explaining my current situation and that I would not be able to take the test on Monday because I would still be in the partial hospitalization program. She answered back with a stingy, insensitive email saying that to her knowledge there wasn’t any other date when I could repeat this test, and that would mean I probably had to wait until September to repeat it. However, she said, since I would have to wait until September, then I couldn’t begin my fourth year in August as scheduled because I wouldn’t have completed my third year rotations yet. She finished the email saying I had to take up the issue with the curriculum office.
I was so…pissed off, hurt, angry, frustrated, stressed, anxious….but mainly PISSED OFF. I was so triggered that by the end of the day I was having mild suicidal thoughts and wishing I could somehow die. I never mentioned the cause of my hospitalization in the email, however it was kind of obvious that it was psychiatric in nature because partial hospitalizations are psychiatric. I kept thinking that if my situation were that of having been diagnosed with cancer I’m sure she wouldn’t have been such an insensitive BITCH.
So that pretty much screwed up my day and screwed up today too, because every single question and worry I have about medical school at the moment exploded in my head and bloomed into a disgusting mutant monster. Am I going to be able to re-take this test before August? Will they single me out because I’m mentally ill? Should I take a leave of absence? Should I withdraw from the pediatrics rotation? Will I have the same problem when I try to repeat the ObGyn written exam in June? Will my medical school royally screw me up or will they be nice? I already paid the $580 for Step 2 CK, should I risk taking it after summer? Should I quit medical school altogether? Do I even want to be a doctor?
Imagine that whole paragraph playing over and over in your head. That’s how I feel right now.
I got so desperate that I started researching alternative careers yet again. I went so far as to entertain the idea of joining the FBI, but then I realized that I’m too mentally ill for them (yeah, ’cause facing stigma due to cancer or HIV is called discrimination, but facing stigma due to mental illness is called security).
Then today I was in an overall shitty mood and irritable but things got a bit more manageable after group therapy. But then I saw the program psychiatrist and became wholly convinced that she’s not remotely interested in my life and in spite of being a doctor herself she does not understand what I’m going through. On top of that, I had to go to my med school after getting out of the partial hospitalization because I had to take a surgery class I had to excuse myself from back when I was doing the surgery rotation (or else they wouldn’t release my surgery grade…stupid, I know).
Really, today I felt as depressed and hopeless as I felt the day I was hospitalized. I felt slow, down in the dumps, teary-eyed, sensitive, irritable, wishing I were dead and wanting only to sleep forever. Except this time I didn’t have a concrete suicide plan (meaning my insurance couldn’t care less and probably won’t approve an extension of the partial hospitalization because they only care when you’re suicidal).
Things only got slightly better after getting home and forcing myself to interact with my parents and speak with my sister on the phone. But honestly I can’t get all the worry out of my head.
I feel terribly overwhelmed because they always say you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re going through emotionally difficult times; however, I HAVE to make these decisions regarding medical school within the next few days to weeks. So, I’m kind of trapped.
I’m sorry for this post/rant. I just…need answers.