Partial

Yesterday was such a good day. Then today was sort of ok I guess.

So yesterday, first thing in the morning I went to meet up with the pediatrics rotation coordinator. She was very nice about it all, very understanding. In summary, I have two options: either I continue with the rotation as soon as I finish with my hospitalization process, etc. with a modified schedule…or I drop out of the pediatrics rotation now and continue with what I have left of it when I do my fourth year of med school, which is entirely do-able.

For now I feel I want to drop out because I don’t feel quite ready or willing to continue with work. I feel there are too many new developments in my life at this moment and if I continue with the rotation I’ll just go back to old behaviors and thoughts and neglect the fact that I need to work on myself for a little while.

I still want to discuss all of this with M and see what she says. I value her opinion highly.

Then in the afternoon I had my first appointment with M since being hospitalized, which was back in April 8th. I was so so so incredibly happy to see her that I even asked her if I could hug her. It’s incredible how much she means to me.

The appointment was great. It was basically me talking at a ridiculously fast pace for 50 minutes because I wanted to tell her as may things as I could. As usual, she listened and reflected on whatever I said. Then she spoke separately with my mom for what she called risk assessment. She had previously asked me to bring a family member with me to the appointment and she explained that she usually does that after a patient comes back from hospital just to see how things are going from the perspective of someone close to them.

That was the first highlight of the day.

Then the second highlight was when I went out to dinner with my two best friends from med school. I really missed them, and was so happy to see them after so much time. It was great, we spent the night just talking and laughing and I was able to be completely honest and genuine with them about how things were going and how the hospitalization went. They were completely non-judgmental and gave me their opinions and advice (but I really wasn’t expecting any less of them).

You know, yesterday was also a strange day because at one point my mom told me she had an appointment with a psychologist. I was ridiculously surprised…but pleasantly surprised. I’m sure that at the moment she’s just going because she wants to learn new tools to address my “situation”, but I sure hope she eventually uses the opportunity to figure out her own life and issues. I hope that’s not just wishful thinking on my part.

My dad also went to a psychologist. I’m glad for them, and glad that they’re trying to help me out as much as they can. However, I can’t help but feel at the same time that I’ve been causing them too much suffering. And that makes me feel terribly guilty and flawed.

Then today was an ok day. My insurance finally got back on the partial hospitalization. They approved only three days, which kind of pissed me off but at least they approved it. That means that on Friday I’ll undergo another evaluation to see if my partial hospitalization time will be extended another two days. Hopefully, it will.

So today I went in for the partial hospitalization. It was good. Had very good group therapy and then the psychiatrist saw me. She was young and seemed nice, and it turns out she knows M. It was just her asking me questions on sleeping habits, depression symptoms….basically making an assessment. However, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about my issues whenever relevant questions popped up. I just…didn’t feel we clicked.

And speaking of sleeping habits…my sleep has been terrible since the first night at the hospital. I blame it on having my medication changed to 150mg Wellbutrin and once I was discharged to 300mg Wellbutrin. It’s been 2 weeks since the drug change and I just hope it goes away eventually. During my stay at the hospital they gave me 10mg Ambien, for which I was given a prescription once I was discharged…but I really don’t want to continue taking Ambien. Plus, I told M about this yesterday and she agreed with my anti-Ambien decision. I just…want to keep my sleep as natural and non-medicated as possible. Let’s see if that wish becomes a reality.

You know, one of the days I saw the psychiatrist at the hospital, he told me something that really stuck with me. I’m sure M has told me variants of this many times during our doctor-patient relationship, but I guess the fact that I had medical school out of the way made me more receptive. He said, referring to my mom, that it is one thing to coincidentally end up having a similar life as hers, but it is another entirely different thing to become a sort of projection of her past decisions/mistakes/etc. He explained that it is not ok to make her decisions and mistakes my own, because, after all, we are two entirely different people living different lives. So, he said, the fact that my mom finished medical school but ended up not liking it, doesn’t mean that that will also happen to me.

The last day I saw him he also gave me some encouraging words and told me “Believe in yourself”. Again, for some reason that really stuck with me. Sometimes I need others to believe in me so I can believe in myself.

Well, it’s late, and I think I’m rambling way too much here. I need to keep up with my sleep hygiene. Promised myself I would go to sleep no later than 10pm and it’s 10:38pm.

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